Tuesday, May 19, 2015

the problem with social media

As I scroll down my Newsfeed on Facebook, I often become depressed. I see happy couples, cousins growing up together, babies being born, exotic vacations, my friends becoming doctors and lawyers...I feel like my life doesn't measure up. But I am also guilty of contributing to this unrealistic image of a "happy" life. I don't want to use social media as an outlet for complaining, so I often just post the happy moments. 

If you are following me on Instagram or Facebook, you have probably noticed an overwhelming amount of positive posts from me in the past six months. But please know, this is a choice. My life is extremely difficult. But I am choosing to practice gratitude and to focus on the positive.

The truth is that I don't like to talk about some of the hard moments. I got a spinal tap done in December and was in so much pain that I had to get a follow up procedure to help me be able to function. I've had seizures, so I'm not allowed to drive (the reason why I'm having other people drive me around as seen in the #inthecarwithKat series). One day in February I was late to work because I had to get an EEG brain scan. 

Beyond the inconvenience and discomfort of all these appointments and procedures, there is a lot of pain. For about an hour one recent afternoon, I was lying still on a table, getting a brain MRI completed. As I lay there, I prayed for people. I sang songs in my head. I got excited about my plans for that evening. But before I knew it, tears started welling up in my eyes. I found myself remembering my first MRI after my surgery in August and how scared I was, not knowing what my future would hold. The emotional pain is still there. I've gone through a lot. No one can understand what I've gone through. Every neurosurgery patient has a different experience. It's a lonely place to be in.

I am not alone, of course. I am so grateful for Jesus, and the way that He has provided the strength and the grace that I have needed to make it through every single moment. I thank my friends and family who have stuck by my side and supported me, even as I've gone through some crazy personality and behavioral changes (right frontal lobe). I'm excited to have made a lot of new friends who have been incredibly supportive and kind to me, even after I've explained my health situation.

I've been thanked for being vulnerable, for being honest about my struggles. I will continue to do this if it encourages people. I honestly have no idea who is reading my posts. But if I encourage even one person, then it is worth it to me.

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