for nothing is impossible with God

I was recently challenged to step out in faith in the midst of fear. I’d been accepted into a 2-week, 80-hour intensive course (how to coach language learners) that would be taking place away from home. The Lord had prompted me to apply and then He quickly provided the funds. I knew I was supposed to attend the course, but I became terrified when I saw the actual schedule. I didn’t believe that there was any way I’d be able physically survive the two weeks of 12+ hour days! However, someone from my house church encouraged me with something the Lord had told him when he was anxious, “You’re afraid because you’re imagining your future with Me.” This strengthened my resolve and confidence! I didn’t have to be able to do this on my own – if the Lord had called me to it, He would equip me with the energy I needed.

There were some hard moments and I definitely felt pretty tired at times, but the Lord gave me the grace, energy, and sleep that I needed to successfully complete the two weeks! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have yet another example of His faithfulness in my life. “For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)”

Lent 2019

During this time of Lent, I've felt God telling me to simplify, to get rid of distractions and to exercise some discipline. I'm sure that I could find a plethora of excuses for some of my behavior, but I know I need to address these specific areas of my life. It seems silly to list them out, but there is significance in naming them. I've found myself impulsively purchasing items that I don't need or "binging" on streaming shows. So I've prayerfully decided to abstain from such purchases or binges during these six weeks in order to exercise gratitude for all that He has given me and to give generously away the items that I no longer need. And instead of mindlessly wasting time watching shows that do not benefit me in any way, I will spend time in His word, which always fills me. 

excerpt from journal [one year ago]

Note: I wrote this journal entry/prayer only three days before I ended up getting "sick" and not being able to function. The Lord had been preparing me for the battle ahead. I'm so grateful for that.

Excerpt from journal
Sunday, June 1st, 2014
7:16am
Buffalo Ridge Retreat Center

The unfolding of your words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple. -Psalm 119:130

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words. My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may medidate on your promise. -Psalm 119:147, 148

Let my cry come before you, O LORD; give me understanding according to your word! -Psalm 119:169

Lord, I commit this summer to You. Have Your way. Have Your way with me, in my life. May I continue to walk in the conviction of Your sacrifice, of the work that You completed for me on the cross. May I continue to experience the freedom of not having to accomplish things. No matter how stressful it gets at work. No matter how I may feel. Don't let me lose this powerful revelation. Instead, please keep speaking this truth over me.

I love Your truth, Your words. They are life to me. For too long I tried to live my life in Your name by my own efforts. But I give in. I choose to be comforted by Your truth. I choose to stop trying to feel good about myself, about my accomplishments. I choose to find my identity in You, not in what my hands can do or make or hold. I'm giving all of myself for all of You. What an unfair exchange. But what a beautiful exchange!

uncertain times [journal excerpt from 7 years ago]

Excerpt from my journal, when I was about to graduate from Georgetown University

May 8, 2008

Jesus,

I have so much to talk about, but I feel so pressed for time...anyway, first, I wanted to than You for speaking to me and opening my ears to hear it. Thank You for Catacombs [church worship event] on Sunday and for reminding me that what others say about me doesn't matter--I'm a daughter of God, and nothing anybody says can change that. No job title can define me. You have created me with certain passions and You have given me a dream--no one can take that away. I pray that You continue to speak these truthes to me, especially over the next few critical weeks.

Thank You so much for the Social Justice Bible Study and all the events surrounding it. Thank You for [the woman] on the bus, questioning who is the ruler of this world, and why is there so much chaos. Thank You for the Bible Study itself and how You really got me thinking about living a lifestyle of social justice, and how this should just be an outpouring of Your spirit within me. Thank You for my scare coming home--it helped me consider the implications of what I want to do with my life (living and/or traveling in areas where I feel/am unsafe). Thank You, thank You, thank You.

God, please give me discernment over the next couple of weeks as I have to make difficult decisions. Also, give me grace and favor during my interview tomorrow. Open the door if this would be according to Your will.

what type of legacy do I want to leave?

Excerpt from my journal (age 15)

February 25th, 2001
Sunday, 12:10am

Today I watched the video Anne Frank Remembered, and in a way it overwhelmed me. This girl had her legacy written in a diary, which is now translated into many languages. I have started thinking about what legacy I will leave on this earth. 

What if I died tomorrow? How would people remember me? Would people see me as a caring person who loved Jesus or a shy person who followed the crowd? I truly want to be remembered as a person who loved Jesus with all my heart and who strived to become more like Him. A person who cared about others and showed her true self.

getting ready for college...

Excerpts from my journal

March 28th, 2004

Jesus,

I really need help deciding what do regarding college and/or missions. I need to make an official decision within the next month. Please give me wisdom to make the correct decision--what You want in my life. 

--------------------------
March 29, 2004

Jesus,

I give everything to You. My worries about college, AP tests, scholarships, prom, Mom's health, [guy], friends...EVERYTHING!!! Please remove all this stress from my shoulders--I cannot bear it anymore! I need You to take it off of me! Take it away! Lord, I cannot do this--I am so happy that I can finally say that.

Thank You for allowing me to be accepted to Georgetown University...I feel very honored. :) Really it does boost my self-esteem majorly though. Despite my not-so-perfect test scores, they accepted me! Out of 14,800 applicants, they only accepted 1,500--and I was one.

Jesus, I now have one month to decide about college. Please help me decide and show me what decision You want.


-------------------------
March 31, 2004

Jesus,
This evening was exactly what I had been needing for a long time. I suddenly felt at peace--it's not that I was denying my problems and/or worries, it is just that they didn't matter anymore. I don't have to carry the burden. It is so wonderful to finally experience that. I also finally didn't care what people thought about me. I got rid of all the crud I had been holding on to and the façade I had made my own.

Jesus, I am such a screwed up person. But You love me and DIED for me anyway...You MUST be true goodness if You would die for a messed up person like me. I really understood that for the first time this evening.

Jesus, I give You today and all of me because that is all I have to give. And that is how it should be. I have no control over what happens, so why not give all my strength and controlling attempts to You?

reflections on becoming an adult...as told by my 18-year-old self

Excerpt from my journal:

February 21, 2004

Jesus,

So my birthday has come and gone, and I still feel the same. Am I supposed to feel like an adult when I turn 18 years old? Am I supposed to feel like a peer among other adults? Am I supposed to be above all the teenage drama? Well, I don't feel any of those things. I don't even look 18--people say that I look like I am 14 or 15. But hey, I've also been told that I am very mature for my age and a natural leader.

Lord, within the past couple of weeks I have really contemplated my self-image. I don't have enough self-confidence. I always want the right clothes; I want to befriend the semi-popular crowd; I want to be liked by guys (but when this happens, I am still not happy); I want recognition; I want to be the best; I want perfect hair and a skinnier body (though I am really thin but muscular); I want better scores on the ACT, SAT, and SAT II's; I want better guy friends; I want, I want, I want...

Yet I know that none of this will satisfy me--it's all superficial...but it is so hard. I sometimes think that I look pretty and that my hair/body are perfect. Sometimes I feel really ugly and awkward and that my hair is annoying and that my body is disproportional. 

Lord, help me to be secure in You. help me develop my own sense of style. Help me be content with all the wonderful things that I have. Help me appreciate all the people I have changed, all the friendships I have gained. Help me see things the way You see them. Help me see myself the way You see me. Help me praise You in the midst of blessing and suffering.

preparing to return to work [six months ago]

journal entry from six months ago

Sunday, October 12th, 2014
8:19pm
home in KCK

"Lord, thank You for bringing me to this point. I spent so much time worrying about health insurance, having a job, going crazy without working, etc. Now it's been 8 weeks since my surgery, and I'm going back to work tomorrow. Those first moments after surgery at my parents' house felt like they would never end --I do not have the strength to make it through, but You were my strength. Even on those incredibly difficult mornings when I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm nervous about tomorrow (how people will look at me, what questions they will ask me, etc.). Thankfully, I am no longer scared about over-working. I am still Kathleen, but I am the new, improved Kathleen. Jesus, You are (still) my first priority. My health is my second priority, including healthy boundaries. My relationships (family, friends, community) come next. My worth is not based on my accomplishments, or how I perform at work. My worth is in the price that You paid on the cross. My victory is in You.

Please give me discernment tomorrow and in the coming days -- how to answer people's questions, how to keep some details to myself, how to integrate my role into a part-time schedule.

As I look ahead, I feel fear. Fear of failure, exhaustion, depression...But Your perfect love casts out all fear. The future is not guaranteed, so I will just do my best to draw near to You each day and to bring You glory, one day at a time."

moving back home [six months ago]

excerpts from my journal, six months ago
Saturday, October 4th, 2014; 8:24am
Olathe, KS

"Lord, thank You. I can't say it enough. I know that this season or trial isn't necessarily over, but I feel great, and I'm so excited to have this chance to start over. There were so many times this summer and even right after surgery that I didn't think that I had the endurance to make it any longer. I was so tired and fed up with feeling terrible. I had lost hope. Many days blurred together, and it felt like the struggle would never end. But You were always there for me.

I have been so blessed to be able to live with my parents for four months. I was frustrated, while journaling, to not be able to write that I was back in KCK. It was so hard for me to not know when this could be a possibility. I had to wait and see how things would go. I was so tired of waiting (even of 'resting'). But the time has arrived. I move back to KCK today. I have no idea what the future holds, but I choose to trust You. You will continue to be my strength, and You will continue to give me the grace to make it through each day.

Please help me not to lose sight of You and Your faithfulness during this time. Please help me to not be terribly disappointed when situations do not meet my expectations. Help me have grace for myself when I 'mess up' or do not accomplish everything that I wanted to. [...]"

6 months ago...still relevant today

excerpt from my journal, six months ago:
Friday, September 19th, 2014
somewhere on the road to recovery - Olathe, KS

"Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You. It took a couple of hours to get out of bed this morning, even though I was hungry and knew I needed to take care of myself by eating breakfast and taking my morning meds. I don't want to be too hard on myself and say that I'm failing - the truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared of trying to move back home, of not being ready for work, of falling back into my old ways of being too busy/without margin. [...]

Dad says that I just need to trust now. Yes. How do I keep struggling with the same thing over and over and over again? [...]

Lord, I choose to trust You even in difficult times like this. It seemed so simple to trust You with the surgery. I obviously had not really considered how difficult the recovery could be for me. It almost seems ridiculous to me that I'm struggling so much with recovery. You got me through this summer somehow and through the surgery and through almost 5 weeks of recovery, so why am I freaking out now? You will not drop me now. [...]

Lord, please help me. I want to be able to 'not worry about tomorrow.' But I'm so weak and prone to worry. Michael came by and reminded me to be thankful. So let me choose to praise You, even when I don't feel like it.

Lord, thank You for my family who is putting up with me during this difficult time. Thank You for my brothers who are also my friends. Thank You for all the people who prayed and are praying for me. Thank You for all the encouraging cards and balloons. Thank You for how accommodating Donnelly has been. Thank You for showing Donnelly favor with enrollment this fall. Thank You for the significant progress that I've seen since the surgery. Thank You for the healing work that You are performing in my skull and in my brain. Thank You that Your mercies are new every morning. Thank You for never leaving my side."

six months ago - hope and trust

Excerpt from my journal from six months ago:

[Monday, September 15th, 11:11am; four weeks from surgery! Olathe, KS]:

"'But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."'

-Lamentations 3:21-24

Lord, it doesn't take much these days for me to get lost in thought. I wonder if I'll be able to focus again any time soon? (I know that I can focus, but I'm still struggling with letting myself zone out or get distracted.) This is why wrote a list on a post-it note of the things I wanted to journal about today.

Well, let me start by praising You: Thank You for Your faithfulness, Your unending love, and Your mercies, which are new every morning. Thank You for never leaving my side, even when I was full of doubts and questions. [...] Thank You for a quiet, empty house. Thank You for this time of rest and recovery -- I have a feeling that work will be a shock to the system (whether part-time or full-time). As restless as I am now, I'm guessing that I'll be longing for a break.

I read a little of Mark Batterson's new book, The Grave Robber, this morning. I'm reminded that we often miss miracles because we're so focused on something else, or 'inattentional blindness.' Lord, thank You for a new day of life and for allowing me to live four weeks after brain surgery. I don't know what is to come in the future with work, MRIs, treatment, etc., but today, I again choose to trust in You. Please continue to be my strength when I no longer have any.

[...]

[My nurse practitioner] has told me multiple times: You are not your tumor. She says to try and move forward from this and to live a 'normal' life. I guess I'm still in the initial stages of recovery, so it's hard for me to imagine. And I'm still tempted to imagine 'normal' as work or the unhealthy work-centered lifestyle that I had prior to this summer. Lord, please help me to make positive changes in my life (and please help me have grace and patience for myself in the process)."

*********

Today marks seven months from my surgery. I have a new healthy "normal." I work hard. I am able to focus. And I'm enjoying life outside of work. I'm making a lot of new friends and doing the things that I never made time to do before. And I'm sharing my story with anyone who will listen. Thank you for listening. 

Excerpt from my journal, six months ago [Sunday, September 14th, 2014; Olathe, KS 11:20am]:

"Lord, I just finally took the time to listen to the sermon from August 17th at Redeemer about Psalm 90 and the difference between calling and a job. Cara had recommended that I listen to this since I had been talking about how much I loved my job at [institution name]. I think back to the moment that I broke down crying with [the doctor] when told me I was asking the wrong question (when can I return to work?). I needed to get better first.

How dense can I be? I'm restless during these weeks of recovery because I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like I need to be working. What is wrong with me? This spring I thought I was finally getting the message that my worth and value is not in my work or in any of my accomplishments.

Lord, please guide me during this time of uncertainty as I try to figure out when/if I can return to [institution name] (part-time/full-time/benefits?) and please, in Your infinite grace and mercy, keep reminding me that work (my job) is not my life. Please help me not to waste this time. Help me figure out a good way to be in the Word without straining my eyes. [my vision was still blurry at this point]

Lord, please help me to rise above my emotions and to not allow depression or discouragement to keep me from moving and recovering."

I was able to return to work part-time one month later, on October 13th. I was back full-time on December 1st!

Today, I'm grateful for a great job with an amazing work family; 20/15 vision (!!!); and another day forward in the journey of recovery.

six months ago - fear and peace

Excerpt from my journal, six months ago (Tuesday, September 9th, 2014; 8:29am; Olathe, KS):

"Lord, I'm afraid. I am meeting with the neuro-oncologist this morning to discuss the type of tumor that I had removed and possibly further treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, MRIs, etc.)

I actually felt better overall yesterday for the first time that I've noticed since the surgery. I guess it helps that I had a few decent nights of sleep in a row. Maybe it's because I actually spent some time in Your Word yesterday or because I had something to look forward to (going to pick up stuff from my home in KCK). Whatever the reason, thank You! I had been feeling bitter and resentful of all the cards that said 'I hope you're feeling better and better each day.' I know that everyone says that I've made incredible progress, but I don't necessarily see it.

Lord, please give me Your peace today. Please give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please give me ears to hear and understand all the information that will be given to me this morning. Please give my parents and me discernment as we hear about treatment options - help us ask good questions.

Lord, You have promised to give me perfect peace when I keep my mind stayed on You. Well, I am choosing to focus on You, and I accept the gift of peace. I refuse to partner with fear, anxiety, and worry."

[This appointment went well. It was still too early to tell how successful the surgery was. We scheduled my next MRI for three months later to check for tumor re-growth. 

I'm so grateful for recovery and progress. I can sleep well after six months of not being able to. I wake up each morning excited for a new day.]

journal from six months ago - back home from the hospital

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Saturday, August 23rd, 2014 @ 2:15pm - back @ parents' home in Olathe, KS - NOT KUMed!):

"Wow, well that was a crazy blur. Never in a million years could I have imagined that this would happen to me. But I did just survive brain surgery. And I'm on the road to recovery...I'm not sure what this will look like (I'm still not even sure if the tumor was malignant / benign...)

So, as the sign for my 'after pic' said: Thank You, Jesus! I survived the surgery, can walk, have 95% less tumor in my head, and still have a life full of possibilities before me. And I know that You've already used this situation to glorify Your name - [friend] already said that she has been able to experience You in ways that she hadn't before - my trials/suffering this week/summer would be worth it just for her! I can't even begin to fathom what type of ripple effect this could have upon others...

Lord, I did also want to specifically thank You for showing me how much You care about me by the little details - the fact that my good friend's mother could pull the strings to have the Chief of Neurosurgery lead the operation; the fact that before the surgery Dr. Camarata asked me about Bishop Ward High School (and I got so excited!) - only You, God, could have known how to get me excited in such a way before brain surgery.

Lord, I know that I've been angry and irritable since the surgery - please help me. Please help me to be kind and gracious and thankful - I don't want to permanently damage any relationships during this time. I don't know how I'm going to handle [family] getting here today, but as I professed before the surgery, I believe You will continue to give me the grace that I need in each moment.

Lord, thank You. I'm sorry for the fears/lies that I've held on to - here is a definite opportunity for breakthrough - please don't let me miss it. I'm sorry for the doubts/uncertainty that came out after the surgery. I guess these didn't come as a surprise to You, but please increase my faith (I guess I need to be more careful about praying that prayer, haha)."

[Today: Thank You, Jesus, for not letting me miss that opportunity for breakthrough!]

journal entry from day before neurosurgery

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Aug. 17th, 2014, day before neurosurgery):

"A brain tumor.The diagnosis still doesn't even feel real, even after looking at the gigantic mass on the MRI scan (it took up more than 25% of the shot from above - maybe the size of a large baseball). Even after seeing the diagnosis written on my hospital discharge paperwork...it still doesn't seem real. But thank You. There is a strange relief in knowing the cause of so many of my ailments, especially over the last three months.

But this is no surprise to You. You know every detail about my life. You, who created the heavens and the earth, also created every little intricate part of my body. You are my savior and friend. There is no better place for me to turn.

The peace that I am feeling since the diagnosis can only be from You (probably the answer to MANY prayers). I've truly realized that I have nothing to be afraid of. If I die, it is Your will and I get to go home to be with You. If there is more suffering involved in my recovery, may it bring You more glory. Even in the best case scenario, recovery is probably not going to be easy.

For now, I am just focusing on Your goodness and faithfulness. I am in Your hands, both now and forevermore. I won't question why this is happening or what the future holds (although I am wondering and a little nervous), but I will praise You for Your steadfast love endures forever."

[Recovery has been much more difficult than I could have ever imagined. But I have chosen to praise Jesus in every moment, and that has made all the difference.]