Sunday, February 15, 2015

journal entry from day before neurosurgery

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Aug. 17th, 2014, day before neurosurgery):

"A brain tumor.The diagnosis still doesn't even feel real, even after looking at the gigantic mass on the MRI scan (it took up more than 25% of the shot from above - maybe the size of a large baseball). Even after seeing the diagnosis written on my hospital discharge still doesn't seem real. But thank You. There is a strange relief in knowing the cause of so many of my ailments, especially over the last three months.

But this is no surprise to You. You know every detail about my life. You, who created the heavens and the earth, also created every little intricate part of my body. You are my savior and friend. There is no better place for me to turn.

The peace that I am feeling since the diagnosis can only be from You (probably the answer to MANY prayers). I've truly realized that I have nothing to be afraid of. If I die, it is Your will and I get to go home to be with You. If there is more suffering involved in my recovery, may it bring You more glory. Even in the best case scenario, recovery is probably not going to be easy.

For now, I am just focusing on Your goodness and faithfulness. I am in Your hands, both now and forevermore. I won't question why this is happening or what the future holds (although I am wondering and a little nervous), but I will praise You for Your steadfast love endures forever."

[Recovery has been much more difficult than I could have ever imagined. But I have chosen to praise Jesus in every moment, and that has made all the difference.]

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