February 2nd, 2004
Jesus,
I have to admit that I am scared beyond belief. I am so afraid that tomorrow the doctors will say that Mamá has _____ time to live. Lord, that makes me want to live my own life to its fullest and also to forget about school and to just spend time with Mom. Maybe I am overreacting since I don't know any info yet but I am at least being honest. Please give me faith to believe in you in a time like this; please give me the grace to not explode on my friends; and please give me a blatant reminder of your love for me and your love for Mom.
*Refer to Hosea 13:14 [I will deliver this people from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction?]
I have to admit that I am scared beyond belief. I am so afraid that tomorrow the doctors will say that Mamá has _____ time to live. Lord, that makes me want to live my own life to its fullest and also to forget about school and to just spend time with Mom. Maybe I am overreacting since I don't know any info yet but I am at least being honest. Please give me faith to believe in you in a time like this; please give me the grace to not explode on my friends; and please give me a blatant reminder of your love for me and your love for Mom.
*Refer to Hosea 13:14 [I will deliver this people from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction?]
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February 3rd, 2004
Jesus,
HELP MY MOTHER (PLEASE).
HELP MY MOTHER (PLEASE).
I am so torn apart. I am sad, depressed, angry, spiteful, rebellious and more than anything want to start cursing. I want so badly to turn into a "bad girl" and to stop feeling the pain. But in my heart I know that all of that is wrong, but sometimes I wonder what is holding me back. I want to rebel and talk back to my parents; I want to punch my brothers; I want to yell "F***" as loud as I can; I want to not care about anything; I want to forget about school and to not do any homework...As I said, I don't want to feel the pain. And the inevitable question...
WHY????
WHY????
Why is my Mamacita diagnosed with AML - some sort of leukemia. Lord, I did pray for your will to be done no matter what but I do have to admit that now that this is closer to reality it is SO HARD!!! 18.7% chance of making it through the next five years. I know that means that only one out of five people with this CANCER survive. SOBREVIVIR - to survive. I just looked up this word a few days ago. How appropriate. :(
Lord, I may be overreacting, but...I want Mom to make it to my graduation. I want her to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren and great grandchildren. I want her and Dad to have a 50 year wedding anniversary. I want to confide in her when I believe I have met my future husband.
Oh, Lord, I am so heart-broken. Mom will probably still be in the hospital during my eighteenth birthday on the eighteenth of February. I will become an adult without...well, I don't want to actually say it.
POR FAVOR, MI SEÑOR PRECIOSO, MI MAMÁ SOBREVIVE DURANTE ESTE TIEMPO TURBULANTE. YO NECESITO TU AYUDA Y APOYO MÁS QUE TODOS TIEMPOS ANTES. AYÚDAME! POR FAVOR REPOSTA MIS ORACIONES. QUIERO SU CAMINO AUN SI ES UNA COSA QUE NO QUIERO. EN MI CORAZÓN TENGO POQUITO FÉ, Y POR ESO YO NECESITO RECIBIR MÁS FÉ DE TI. TU ERES EL GRAN SEÑOR Y TU PUEDES HACER TODO...POR FAVOR AYUDA A MI MAMÁ Y MI FAMILIA. TE NECESITO MUCHO AHORA!
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