Friday, May 1, 2015

reflections on becoming an told by my 18-year-old self

Excerpt from my journal:

February 21, 2004


So my birthday has come and gone, and I still feel the same. Am I supposed to feel like an adult when I turn 18 years old? Am I supposed to feel like a peer among other adults? Am I supposed to be above all the teenage drama? Well, I don't feel any of those things. I don't even look 18--people say that I look like I am 14 or 15. But hey, I've also been told that I am very mature for my age and a natural leader.

Lord, within the past couple of weeks I have really contemplated my self-image. I don't have enough self-confidence. I always want the right clothes; I want to befriend the semi-popular crowd; I want to be liked by guys (but when this happens, I am still not happy); I want recognition; I want to be the best; I want perfect hair and a skinnier body (though I am really thin but muscular); I want better scores on the ACT, SAT, and SAT II's; I want better guy friends; I want, I want, I want...

Yet I know that none of this will satisfy me--it's all superficial...but it is so hard. I sometimes think that I look pretty and that my hair/body are perfect. Sometimes I feel really ugly and awkward and that my hair is annoying and that my body is disproportional. 

Lord, help me to be secure in You. help me develop my own sense of style. Help me be content with all the wonderful things that I have. Help me appreciate all the people I have changed, all the friendships I have gained. Help me see things the way You see them. Help me see myself the way You see me. Help me praise You in the midst of blessing and suffering.

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