excerpt from my journal, six months ago:
Friday, September 19th, 2014
somewhere on the road to recovery - Olathe, KS
"Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on You. It took a couple of hours to get out of bed this morning, even though I was hungry and knew I needed to take care of myself by eating breakfast and taking my morning meds. I don't want to be too hard on myself and say that I'm failing - the truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared of trying to move back home, of not being ready for work, of falling back into my old ways of being too busy/without margin. [...]
Dad says that I just need to trust now. Yes. How do I keep struggling with the same thing over and over and over again? [...]
Lord, I choose to trust You even in difficult times like this. It seemed so simple to trust You with the surgery. I obviously had not really considered how difficult the recovery could be for me. It almost seems ridiculous to me that I'm struggling so much with recovery. You got me through this summer somehow and through the surgery and through almost 5 weeks of recovery, so why am I freaking out now? You will not drop me now. [...]
Lord, please help me. I want to be able to 'not worry about tomorrow.' But I'm so weak and prone to worry. Michael came by and reminded me to be thankful. So let me choose to praise You, even when I don't feel like it.
Lord, thank You for my family who is putting up with me during this difficult time. Thank You for my brothers who are also my friends. Thank You for all the people who prayed and are praying for me. Thank You for all the encouraging cards and balloons. Thank You for how accommodating Donnelly has been. Thank You for showing Donnelly favor with enrollment this fall. Thank You for the significant progress that I've seen since the surgery. Thank You for the healing work that You are performing in my skull and in my brain. Thank You that Your mercies are new every morning. Thank You for never leaving my side."