Monday, March 16, 2015

six months ago - hope and trust

Excerpt from my journal from six months ago:
[Monday, September 15th, 11:11am; four weeks from surgery! Olathe, KS]:

"'But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."'
-Lamentations 3:21-24

Lord, it doesn't take much these days for me to get lost in thought. I wonder if I'll be able to focus again any time soon? (I know that I can focus, but I'm still struggling with letting myself zone out or get distracted.) This is why wrote a list on a post-it note of the things I wanted to journal about today.

Well, let me start by praising You: Thank You for Your faithfulness, Your unending love, and Your mercies, which are new every morning. Thank You for never leaving my side, even when I was full of doubts and questions. [...] Thank You for a quiet, empty house. Thank You for this time of rest and recovery -- I have a feeling that work will be a shock to the system (whether part-time or full-time). As restless as I am now, I'm guessing that I'll be longing for a break.

I read a little of Mark Batterson's new book, The Grave Robber, this morning. I'm reminded that we often miss miracles because we're so focused on something else, or 'inattentional blindness.' Lord, thank You for a new day of life and for allowing me to live four weeks after brain surgery. I don't know what is to come in the future with work, MRIs, treatment, etc., but today, I again choose to trust in You. Please continue to be my strength when I no longer have any.

[My nurse practitioner] has told me multiple times: You are not your tumor. She says to try and move forward from this and to live a 'normal' life. I guess I'm still in the initial stages of recovery, so it's hard for me to imagine. And I'm still tempted to imagine 'normal' as work or the unhealthy work-centered lifestyle that I had prior to this summer. Lord, please help me to make positive changes in my life (and please help me have grace and patience for myself in the process)."


Today marks seven months from my surgery. I have a new healthy "normal." I work hard. I am able to focus. And I'm enjoying life outside of work. I'm making a lot of new friends and doing the things that I never made time to do before. And I'm sharing my story with anyone who will listen. Thank you for listening. 

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