Looking back on 2020

When I think of 2020, I think of fear, polarization, isolation, restrictions, masks, lockdowns, cancelled plans….and the goodness of Our God. This past year has shown us that if our confidence is in anything but Him, our foundation will crumble when the world around us falls apart. Why would any of us want that? I’ll leave you with the words of the writer of Hebrews (12:28): “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.” 

I hope that you and your loved ones enjoy a restful Christmas.

be of good courage

Once we reached the first of October, I became keenly aware of the fact that 75% of the year had already passed. Even though I feel physically and emotionally exhausted from a year full of cancelled plans and unique challenges, I still aim to finish well. I’ve learned that I can’t allow my feelings to define my reality (even though I’m a very feeling-oriented person!); likewise, I can’t allow past discouragements to steal the joy and hope I have for today and for the future. These are learned and intentional shifts in thinking that I’ve had to make. So I urge you to stand with me and to not lose heart. Let us “fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (taken from 2 Cor. 4)

May you be of good courage and finish the year strong!

My 6th Surgiversary

We've finally made it to the last quarter of the year! Can you believe it? I don't know about you, but some of these past months have seemed to last longer than usual, ha. 

This last month has been full of contemplation and gratitude. On August 18th, I celebrated my 6th “surgiversary;” that is, the 6th anniversary of my first brain surgery. Last year (for my 5th surgiversary), I made a point to return to the hospital and to recreate my photos from when I was released after my surgery in 2014. This year I was content to just take a moment to thank God for how far He has carried me in this journey. It would be impossible for me to describe these six years, so I'll just share some of the things I experienced as well as some of the lessons I've learned.

Some of the things I've experienced: a day that began at the eye doctor for blurry vision and ended in the ER with concern for my brain; 46 staples on my scalp; a spinal tap with a headache that required the follow-up "blood patch" procedure; multiple seizures; eight months needing to ask for rides without being allowed to drive; a trip to Houston for a 2nd medical opinion; an extremely successful GoFundMe campaign; a second surgery; 33 rounds of radiation to the brain; sudden loss of a third of the hair on my head; 18 months of wearing hats every day; 12 months of chemotherapy; 12 weekends spent in bed with chemo exhaustion; and I've lost count of the number of brain MRIs. 

Wow! And that was the short list...

Some lessons I learned: Recovery is messy and not linear; it’s hard work! A good night’s sleep can often completely change your outlook on life. Every morning is a chance to begin again ("His mercies are new every morning..."). Even when everything seems challenging, it’s essential to find reasons to celebrate. We cannot control our circumstances, but we can choose our response to each situation. We are created to live in community. Most people are happy to help; we just need to be willing to ask. While an illness/diagnosis/hardship may tell part of your story, only Jesus can define your identity. Choosing faith over fear takes practice. It’s okay to struggle. It's important to set time aside to reflect on who the Lord is and what He has done in our lives - I choose to do this every month with you at payroll time (it forces me to be in the habit) as well as on the 18th of every month when my "Grateful!" notification goes off on my phone. :)

Thanks for humoring me this month with these long lists. I plan to expand upon these points in a blog and maybe eventually in a devotional style book. I hope my words encourage you to set some time aside to reflect upon some lessons you may have learned in recent times, maybe even during this pandemic. If you ask Him to show you, you'll find that His faithfulness is the constant thread weaving together each moment within the tapestry of your life.

growth

Can you believe it? We're already more than halfway through the year 2020! It's hard for me to grasp that just five months ago, I went on a personal prayer & planning retreat to ask the Lord what He wanted me to focus on this year. I dreamed, made goals, and planned the steps necessary to accomplish these goals.

And then the world changed with COVID-19. Many of the plans that I had made on that retreat were no longer feasible or just didn't make sense anymore. But the focus that the Lord had given me for the year - growth - was starting to make a lot more sense. Would I be able to adapt when circumstances didn't go according to my plans? Did I still trust that Jesus had the best in mind for me? Would I allow Him to stretch me in these challenging times?

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for the June session of our intensive three-week church planting training. I'm excited to let you know that – with only a couple minor adjustments – I successfully completed the training! The Lord gave me the stamina to make it through those long days and to show up for those early mornings; this was nothing short of a miracle!

During the storytelling part of the training, we were each challenged to practice a three-minute version of our personal “God story” or testimony. I focused mine around how I’ve seen the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness throughout my journey with brain cancer. The student I shared this with asked if she could film me sharing this to send to her friend H who just recently came to know the Lord and was discouraged in her fight against cancer. I’ve now been in touch with H for a couple of weeks and hope that my experiences can help strengthen her faith. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to impact someone who I may never meet in person. Isn’t God amazing like that?

courage in the face of fear

The past few months in my life have been characterized by an interesting combination of obstacles and opportunities. The local stay-at-home mandate found me working from home and missing the structure and routine of driving into the office everyday. Even though I lean strongly toward the introverted end of the scale, I started to miss my weekly gatherings with my church family and the wonderful hugs we exchanged to greet each other. Even though I believed (and still believe) that Jesus has healed me completely of brain cancer, I started to feel some fear creep in regarding my immune system's ability to fight off COVID-19 - how careful did I need to be? Was I part of the "vulnerable" population?

As my time of working remotely from home is quickly nearing the end, I'm realizing I've experienced many milestones during this time. After four years of being on staff here at All Nations Kansas City, I finally signed up for our three-week intensive church planting training (CPx) that our hub is holding June 7-June 27. I had never signed up before because I was afraid that the time commitment would be too much for me, as I have struggled with stamina and energy levels since radiation and chemotherapy at the end of 2017. Please pray for all the students and me during this training!

This past week I went in for my periodic brain MRI (which I had postponed by over a month due to my concerns about being at a health clinic at the height of COVID-19). My oncologist was pleased with the results, that there had been no changes on my scans for over two years (which was when I finished my chemotherapy treatment). This means that the plan is for me to continue getting MRIs every six months for the next few years, at which point I'll be able to elect to get them just once a year. These two milestones involved me doing something new, even though I was scared and, in some cases, terrified. Scared of failure, rejection, bad news. I think that this is a bit what courage looks like - acknowledging fears and stepping out in faith anyway.

unique opportunities during Covid-19

I hope that this finds you hanging in there. Kansas City is slowly opening up different parts of the city while still encouraging social distancing and wearing masks. What an interesting journey this has been!

In the midst of this challenging time, I've noticed some unique opportunities. I'm one of the volunteer leaders for my church's youth group. Every other week we've been meeting with just the girls over Zoom (online video conferencing program). During our last girls' group meeting, only one girl (K) showed up, so the three of us female leaders got to focus solely on her. This was especially significant because K had been going through an unusually difficult time with her family. We told K that God wanted to show her how special she is and how loved she is through us spending the entire evening with her. We wouldn't have had this opportunity if we had been meeting in person because of the way our group had been split up into smaller groups when we were still meeting in person earlier this year.

peace in the midst of uncertainty

I hope this finds you hanging in there. These are definitely strange times that we're living in. In Kansas City, we have a stay-at-home mandate, so we're all working from home and avoiding unnecessary social interaction.

I know that this is a sensitive time, so I'm not going to share much this month. I will just simply say that in times of uncertainty like this one, I find peace by choosing to remember and focus on God's faithfulness. I do this by reflecting on His goodness in my life and seeing that evidence of His character in His Word. May you also find that "peace that transcends all understanding" in this precarious time. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk or would like some extra support.