intentionality

This past weekend I had the privilege of going on my annual personal prayer and planning retreat. I try to do this near the beginning of each year in order to prayerfully reflect upon the past year and to ask the Lord what He may have for me in the coming year. He will often give me a word/focus/theme for the year. Here are some words or phrases He’s given me in recent years: surrender; follow through/obedience; and saying “no” to fear. This past weekend I felt He was revealing to me that I needed to once again focus on intentionality. Every relationship requires intentionality to grow. My best friendships are the ones in which we’ve set up regular times to check in with each other, no matter how busy and chaotic our lives are at the moment. So why have I sometimes neglected to do this with the Lord, the most important relationship that I have? This was a humbling realization, but I look forward to seeing how I will grow with Him this year.

music and wonder

 As we rapidly approach the holiday season, I'm reminded (once again) of how grateful I am. Yes, the majority of my reflections are on gratitude, but I do believe that my renewed focus on gratitude/worship has radically improved all aspects of my life. 

I had the privilege of attending a classical music performance this past Sunday evening. A dear friend of mine, who is in my house church community, composed the music and wrote the lyrics that were performed by a local four-piece string quartet and a mezzo-soprano singer. I was moved to tears by the beauty of the music as well as by experiencing the fruition of my friend's long-time dream and answer to prayer.  

Isn't our God amazing? Music is one of my favorite ways to hear His voice and to experience the wonder of His creation. May we all experience a renewed sense of awe as we enter this holiday season.

Abiding with Jesus through Practicing Gratitude

Yesterday I facilitated an “abiding” time with Jesus, which is a daily part of my work's annual church planting training. I chose to focus on the significance and power of gratitude in my walk with Jesus. If you’ve known me a little while, you know that I keep returning to this theme. When I was struggling with an undiagnosed illness and suffering with interminable pain, the Lord gave me the gift of being able to choose to worship and to thank Him for His goodness in my life, even when I wasn’t feeling it. It was the only way that I knew how to wage battle in a war with discontent and frustration. This became an even more important strategy and spiritual “weapon” when my situation became progressively harder with the eventual brain cancer diagnosis and the treatments that would follow.

After sharing my story with the students, I asked them to take around 45 minutes in that same spirit of gratitude to thank Him. It was so encouraging to hear how one student started in a place of thankfulness and then the Lord brought her heart to a place of conviction and repentance. One man shared how that worship helped him let go of his worries. Another student mentioned how the time that they were allotted was not enough for her to write down all the reasons for gratitude that she had. 

May you remember that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety and that worship is a powerful spiritual weapon, no matter the situation you find yourself in.

for nothing is impossible with God

I was recently challenged to step out in faith in the midst of fear. I’d been accepted into a 2-week, 80-hour intensive course (how to coach language learners) that would be taking place away from home. The Lord had prompted me to apply and then He quickly provided the funds. I knew I was supposed to attend the course, but I became terrified when I saw the actual schedule. I didn’t believe that there was any way I’d be able physically survive the two weeks of 12+ hour days! However, someone from my house church encouraged me with something the Lord had told him when he was anxious, “You’re afraid because you’re imagining your future with Me.” This strengthened my resolve and confidence! I didn’t have to be able to do this on my own – if the Lord had called me to it, He would equip me with the energy I needed.

There were some hard moments and I definitely felt pretty tired at times, but the Lord gave me the grace, energy, and sleep that I needed to successfully complete the two weeks! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have yet another example of His faithfulness in my life. “For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)”

looking back - one huge blessing in 2021

One of the main themes I see as I look back on 2021 is how the Lord provided for me in unexpected ways. The example I’m sharing requires a bit of backstory so that you can appreciate how unexpected this was for me. Back in summer 2019 I was nominated to join a cohort of faith and community leaders that care about public school education and would meet monthly. I was excited to join the cohort, primarily to learn from other great community leaders in the KC area. When we were given the option to add a second year to the fellowship, I jumped at the chance to continue learning. In February, I was paired in a Zoom breakout room with S (a woman I’d never met before who worked with college scholarship recipients), and I instantly felt a connection with her – we seemed to have similar passions for working with Latino youth and families. S hadn’t been in the first year of my cohort, and I asked her if we could exchange contact information with the hopes of following up to get to know each other more at a later time.

S and I eventually had a coffee date over Zoom and then another in person. I soon found out that she was also a passionate Jesus follower, which is probably why I felt such a close connection with her the first time we met (even though it was online!). She and I both had desires to work on personal “passion” projects - I suggested that we set up a weekly time to meet at the library to work on our respective projects and to hold each other accountable. We put a weekly standing date on our calendars. This time we carved out quickly evolved into a time to share life and to pray over each other. Near the end of last year, I told S that I couldn’t believe we had only met 10 months prior because we had grown so close! S told me that she had been praying for and desiring a close friend for a long time, and I realized I had been as well. We were the answers to each other’s prayers. I never would’ve guessed that an education fellowship could’ve led to me forming such a dear friendship that I didn’t even recognize that I’d wanted and needed for a long time.

I have so many other examples of how the Lord has provided for me in unexpected ways in 2021, and I’m sure you have some as well. May this encourage you to reflect upon last year and to take time to thank Him for the ways He’s provided for you.

Surrendering my Preferences

As I’ve mentioned before, I often hear God speaking to me through music. The lyrics to "Preference" by Rachel Morley seem to nicely summarize the posture of my heart through this year of attempting to surrender every part of my life:

“What if it doesn’t look like I thought it would?
What if You come in ways I didn’t know You could?
Offend my mind; reveal my heart.
I won’t worship my preference anymore.”

I realize that I may have been missing the way that He’s working in my life because I’m expecting it to look different. The desire of my heart is to have His will for my life in the ways He wants, not the ways I want. Surrender also means laying down my expectations and desires of what the answers to my prayers “should” look like. I must daily remind myself: Your will. Your way. Your timing.

May you end this year with grace. I bless you with open ears and eyes so that you will see how He’s moving in your life, even in the unexpected and unimaginable ways.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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Official Lyric Video: Preference - Rachel Morley

more thoughts on Surrender

When I went on a personal prayer and planning retreat at the beginning of this year, I felt like the Lord had given me the word “Surrender” for 2021 as a focus. As I’d been reflecting upon John Mark Comer’s The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, I realized that a huge part of my surrender needed to be finally becoming intentional in observing a weekly Sabbath. This has been a huge learning process for me as I’ve continued fine-tuning what I want that to look like in my life. It’s been hard for me to find the delicate balance of rest, devotion, and delight (three essential elements in my Sabbath practice). I’ve learned to sometimes say no to good things and to also make exceptions to my own Sabbath guidelines.

Recently I realized that I had reached a point of physical and spiritual exhaustion and possibly even burnt out. I’m grateful that the Lord provided an opportunity for me to leave my daily routine here by going to Orange County, California for almost a week. This break was a breath of fresh air for my spirit and helped me discern some of what the Lord has been calling me to in this season – surrendering by saying no to good things in a couple more areas of my life. I reluctantly stepped down from being one of my church’s volunteer youth group leaders – I no longer had the capacity to do this well even though it’s still a huge desire of mine to be involved with the next generation of Jesus followers. I’ve also “pressed pause” in another important area of my life, trusting that He is in control even without my constant striving. Although I’ve always believed that He is sovereign and good, my human nature often desires to take control and to “make things happen.”  

As this year quickly approaches its end, may you create the space needed to reflect upon what He has been teaching you and begin asking what He has for you in the coming year. 

pressing on and asking for help

Things have been hard for me recently. I constantly feel exhausted no matter how many hours I sleep. I’ve been hard on myself, frustrated by the lack of visible improvement in my stamina and productivity. I reached a breaking point when others started pointing this out to me as well. Trying as hard as I could was no longer enough. I realized that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore, so I decided to ask for help.

I started by asking my parents to hold me accountable with how I spend my time. I met with my counselor, who assisted me in coming up with next steps in different areas of my life (work, spiritual, social, health, etc.). I told close friends and mentors that I needed their prayers. The Lord immediately responded by enveloping me with peace and the assurance that I wouldn’t always feel this way; this was just another step in our journey together.

I hope that this encourages you to ask for help and prayers when life gets challenging. This life isn’t easy, but His “yoke is easy and [His] burden is light” (Mt. 11:30). We aren’t created to walk on this journey alone.

mid-year reflection 2021

Every July I remind myself that though the year is half over, there are still six months left that have not yet been lived. After my personal prayer and planning retreat in January, I felt the Lord leading me to focus on “surrender” this year. Probably the biggest way I hoped to surrender was through beginning to intentionally observe a weekly 24-hour Sabbath. I decided to do so Friday evening through Saturday evening and told my parents in order to be held accountable. I realized that I would need to have a lot of grace for myself in this process – it would be a radical change to my lifestyle of overworking and packing my schedule with commitments. This is why I made it clear that I was just TRYING to incorporate Sabbath into my life. I knew there would be some failed attempts and some exceptions made.

As a “recovering perfectionist,” I must remember to aim for progress, not perfection. I’ve definitely made a lot of progress in trusting Him that six days is enough for work, but I admit that some weeks I mostly zone out on my Sabbath. Rest is only part of my intent with the Sabbath; I also desire to delight in Him and spend intentional time in prayer. 

I’m glad that I take this time to evaluate and reflect upon the first six months of the year – it helps me refocus and to determine the adjustments that I’d like to make in order to finish the year well.

I hope that this encourages you to reflect upon your own year and ask Him to help you finish the year well. Please remember to accept the grace that He has for you in the process.

Million Little Miracles

One of my favorite ways that I hear the Lord speak to me is through music, especially worship music. I was recently listening to Old Church Basement, a new album by Maverick City Music & Elevation Worship. I’ve been deeply moved and have cried every time I’ve listened to the song Million Little Miracles – it’s a beautiful, anointed declaration of how much He has done for me (and for each of us). 

Listening to that song reminds me of the choice that we have about how we view and respond to the circumstances in our lives. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” This quote has been attributed to Albert Einstein, and I am taking it out of context for the purpose of this reflection. 

I’ve written quite a bit about my journey of recovery and healing from brain cancer and all the related treatments. I still struggle with fatigue and the ability to sleep well – it would be quite easy for me to focus on those things. But instead I’m choosing to be grateful and to recognize the miracles in my life: the way He gave me the strength to make it through the chemotherapy and radiation treatments without the most common side effect of vomiting; the fact that God made the brain to be neuroplastic (having the ability to adapt to experiences); the way He’s provided more than enough financially for the medical care I need(ed); healing my brother and mother from cancer years earlier as testimonies upon which I could build my faith; I could go on…

I hope that you can also take a moment to reflect upon the Lord’s faithfulness in your life. As the lyrics to Million Little Miracles say, “I hope [we] never get over what [He’s] done.”

Spring has sprung

Spring has certainly sprung in Kansas City. In addition to the temperatures finally warming up, spring reminds me of renewal, rebirth, healing, and hope. I often talk about seasons in life. My mom loves gardening and has been excitedly planting bulbs and seeds these past couple of weeks. She understands that these plants start out as small seeds or bulbs and need water, sunshine, and care in order to develop and grow.

I remember that the dormant, empty moments of winter are only a prelude to the spring, making me value and appreciate the spring that much more. And my Papa promises that His purposes will be accomplished – we may not see it now, but we are growing, and He is tending to us. His purposes and promises will be fulfilled. And that gives me hope right now, in whichever circumstances I find myself.

“As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

[Isa. 55:10,11]

May you be encouraged with the hope that He is still working in you and through you in this season. You will soon see the new life that has been germinating under the surface.

our story is unfolding

Over the past few years I've come to really love thinking of my life in terms of seasons or chapters. This has helped me to have hope during the hard times, knowing that that particular season wouldn't last forever. I've also learned to take a step back to reflect on what the Lord has already done in previous times of my life to give me confidence for the future, which is why I'm constantly encouraging others to journal as a spiritual discipline. And just like any novel with an exciting plot, no detail included in our lives is wasted. Our Lord redeems every low point, disappointment, mistake, and tragedy. Nothing is wasted in His hands. 

I recently heard a song that reminded me to take a step back and have hope for this year and for the future: "As long as You're in it, the story's not finished. I know You've overcome, so I know I'll overcome." [Breakthrough Miracle Power by Passion] I hope that this encourages you to keep going - your story isn't finished yet!

servant leadership - in admiration of my parents

 “Your life is not your own – You were bought with a price!” These are the words my father said to me as a baby. For as long as I can remember, my parents have instilled in me the importance of living with purpose beyond myself, just as Jesus Himself did on earth. They have shown me that following Jesus means giving generously and sacrificially in service to others. As missionaries in Amsterdam, they did this by learning the Dutch language and sharing their lives with the people they’d come to reach with the Gospel. 

Although my parents eventually transitioned off the mission field, they haven’t stopped being involved in the missional heart of God, serving in the spheres of culture as He leads, including marketplace, government, and education, recognizing it’s about faithfulness to Him and His call. Their continued engagement in missions included the generous partnership with missionaries in both prayer and finances. And, my dad just finished serving his tenth year as the Chairman of the All Nations KC Hub Board of Directors. Although his commitment to the ANKC board was not supposed to be for this long, my dad prayerfully agreed to continue serving as the board chair to ensure a smooth transition for new leadership. 

My mother has modeled her servant heart through her radical obedience to Christ and through putting our family’s needs before her own. She grew up in Mexico, the youngest of 15 children. She was the only one of her siblings who married someone from a different culture (my father being from the US) and left her home continent to become a missionary in Europe. Now that I’m an adult, I’m finally beginning to realize all that my mom sacrificed through being obedient to the Lord’s call on her life – material possessions, understanding the local language, having her family geographically close (no FaceTime in the 1980’s!). She gave birth to all three of her children in that foreign land without the advantage of having her mother or older sisters nearby. She consistently encouraged my father to follow the Lord’s calling for our family. She has been one of the most selfless women that I know – always putting others before herself, especially our family. And she has done this all willingly and joyfully!

By the very nature of focusing on others, we become servants. This is counter-cultural in today’s self-oriented society that thrives on individualism and instant gratification. But Jesus showed us a different way. In His revolutionary Kingdom, the last are first and the Master washes His servants’ feet. He never hesitated to meet the needs of those who stopped Him in the streets. He calls us to do the same. I’m so grateful that my parents have shown me how beautiful servant leadership can look in the context of family and missions.

Looking back on 2020

When I think of 2020, I think of fear, polarization, isolation, restrictions, masks, lockdowns, cancelled plans….and the goodness of Our God. This past year has shown us that if our confidence is in anything but Him, our foundation will crumble when the world around us falls apart. Why would any of us want that? I’ll leave you with the words of the writer of Hebrews (12:28): “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.” 

I hope that you and your loved ones enjoy a restful Christmas.

healthy limits

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed this past month and especially this week with everything going on around me in politics, with the pandemic, and with the extreme polarization even within the Church. I’ve learned, the hard way, the importance of setting boundaries of my media consumption, including my social media consumption. That doesn’t always mean to completely eliminate consuming all media. I know that I’ve been blessed to participate in some prayer services through online means. But scrolling through the extreme and often hateful commentary on IG or FB doesn’t benefit me in any way. 

I have to be intentional in how I spend my time during this season. My Father is the One who renews my strength, through my time speaking with Him, in Worship, and in His Word. So while I wait for the presidential election results, I can choose to avoid anxiety and fear by focusing on His truth and character. He is faithful and will give me the strength and grace to make it through whatever comes next, just like He always has. And I’m so grateful for that.

be of good courage

Once we reached the first of October, I became keenly aware of the fact that 75% of the year had already passed. Even though I feel physically and emotionally exhausted from a year full of cancelled plans and unique challenges, I still aim to finish well. I’ve learned that I can’t allow my feelings to define my reality (even though I’m a very feeling-oriented person!); likewise, I can’t allow past discouragements to steal the joy and hope I have for today and for the future. These are learned and intentional shifts in thinking that I’ve had to make. So I urge you to stand with me and to not lose heart. Let us “fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (taken from 2 Cor. 4)

May you be of good courage and finish the year strong!

My 6th Surgiversary

We've finally made it to the last quarter of the year! Can you believe it? I don't know about you, but some of these past months have seemed to last longer than usual, ha. 

This last month has been full of contemplation and gratitude. On August 18th, I celebrated my 6th “surgiversary;” that is, the 6th anniversary of my first brain surgery. Last year (for my 5th surgiversary), I made a point to return to the hospital and to recreate my photos from when I was released after my surgery in 2014. This year I was content to just take a moment to thank God for how far He has carried me in this journey. It would be impossible for me to describe these six years, so I'll just share some of the things I experienced as well as some of the lessons I've learned.

Some of the things I've experienced: a day that began at the eye doctor for blurry vision and ended in the ER with concern for my brain; 46 staples on my scalp; a spinal tap with a headache that required the follow-up "blood patch" procedure; multiple seizures; eight months needing to ask for rides without being allowed to drive; a trip to Houston for a 2nd medical opinion; an extremely successful GoFundMe campaign; a second surgery; 33 rounds of radiation to the brain; sudden loss of a third of the hair on my head; 18 months of wearing hats every day; 12 months of chemotherapy; 12 weekends spent in bed with chemo exhaustion; and I've lost count of the number of brain MRIs. 

Wow! And that was the short list...

Some lessons I learned: Recovery is messy and not linear; it’s hard work! A good night’s sleep can often completely change your outlook on life. Every morning is a chance to begin again ("His mercies are new every morning..."). Even when everything seems challenging, it’s essential to find reasons to celebrate. We cannot control our circumstances, but we can choose our response to each situation. We are created to live in community. Most people are happy to help; we just need to be willing to ask. While an illness/diagnosis/hardship may tell part of your story, only Jesus can define your identity. Choosing faith over fear takes practice. It’s okay to struggle. It's important to set time aside to reflect on who the Lord is and what He has done in our lives - I choose to do this every month with you at payroll time (it forces me to be in the habit) as well as on the 18th of every month when my "Grateful!" notification goes off on my phone. :)

Thanks for humoring me this month with these long lists. I plan to expand upon these points in a blog and maybe eventually in a devotional style book. I hope my words encourage you to set some time aside to reflect upon some lessons you may have learned in recent times, maybe even during this pandemic. If you ask Him to show you, you'll find that His faithfulness is the constant thread weaving together each moment within the tapestry of your life.

a much needed retreat and book

This past weekend I had the privilege of going on another personal prayer retreat. My main goal on this retreat was to rest and "go off the grid" (that is, to turn off my phone). A friend had just recommended The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer, which ended up being the perfect book to remind me of the power of disconnecting from technology and slowing down the pace of my life. The author started his own journey after hearing Dallas Willard's response to the question of what was necessary in order to grow spiritually: "Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." This rang true for me on my retreat as I was finally able to rest without the barrage of bad news streaming in and endless notifications going off on my phone.

In the silence and solitude (one of the four main areas discussed in the book) of my solo retreat, I was able to focus enough to read two entire books as well as to spend dedicated time to journaling some of my prayers; both of those things are challenging for me at home as I feel inundated with distractions. The author also encourages us to further explore Sabbath, Simplicity, and Slowing. I asked the Lord how I could practically apply some of the ideas presented in the book. In my journal, I wrote down some small changes that I'd like to make in each of these respective areas. 

I would highly recommend the book to anyone who is living a "hurried" life and would like an easy read with some great inspiration and practical tips of where to start. I didn't mean for my reflection to turn into a book review, but these are still the things that I'm processing. I look forward to seeing how I'm able to integrate some of these changes into my lifestyle in the coming months.

growth

Can you believe it? We're already more than halfway through the year 2020! It's hard for me to grasp that just five months ago, I went on a personal prayer & planning retreat to ask the Lord what He wanted me to focus on this year. I dreamed, made goals, and planned the steps necessary to accomplish these goals.

And then the world changed with COVID-19. Many of the plans that I had made on that retreat were no longer feasible or just didn't make sense anymore. But the focus that the Lord had given me for the year - growth - was starting to make a lot more sense. Would I be able to adapt when circumstances didn't go according to my plans? Did I still trust that Jesus had the best in mind for me? Would I allow Him to stretch me in these challenging times?

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for the June session of our intensive three-week church planting training. I'm excited to let you know that – with only a couple minor adjustments – I successfully completed the training! The Lord gave me the stamina to make it through those long days and to show up for those early mornings; this was nothing short of a miracle!

During the storytelling part of the training, we were each challenged to practice a three-minute version of our personal “God story” or testimony. I focused mine around how I’ve seen the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness throughout my journey with brain cancer. The student I shared this with asked if she could film me sharing this to send to her friend H who just recently came to know the Lord and was discouraged in her fight against cancer. I’ve now been in touch with H for a couple of weeks and hope that my experiences can help strengthen her faith. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to impact someone who I may never meet in person. Isn’t God amazing like that?

Don't Forget to Remember

I love listening to music, particularly uplifting music. I recently came across a new song by Ellie Holcomb titled "Don't Forget to Remember" on one of my weekly playlists curated by Spotify (the online audio streaming service/app). The song is written for children (and the adults in their lives) and talks about looking at different aspects of creation as reminders of God's love, goodness, and presence. The lyrics to the song are also the words to a lovely children's book. Ellie Holcomb says that she wrote them to "help [her] own forgetful heart and [her] children’s precious hearts remember what is true."

In the weeks following my discovery of this song, I've often told myself, "Don't forget to remember..." filling in the rest with a truth like "God is good,"  "God is here," or "I'm never alone." As humans, we can be very forgetful, so I think we need to be intentional to remind ourselves of truth. I have lots of encouraging quotes/verses hanging near my desk at work. I also try to acknowledge the beauty of God's creation whenever I can.

I hope that you can take some time in the coming weeks to remind yourself to remember God's faithfulness whether through reading old journal entries, enjoying His creation, or listening to a good song. Check out Ellie Holcomb's book and song online if you're interested. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics:

"And when you catch the snowflakes that fall from the sky
Don't forget to remember you're one of a kind
And after the winter and cold are all through
The flowers remind you God makes all things new"