uncertain times [journal excerpt from 7 years ago]

Excerpt from my journal, when I was about to graduate from Georgetown University

May 8, 2008

Jesus,

I have so much to talk about, but I feel so pressed for time...anyway, first, I wanted to than You for speaking to me and opening my ears to hear it. Thank You for Catacombs [church worship event] on Sunday and for reminding me that what others say about me doesn't matter--I'm a daughter of God, and nothing anybody says can change that. No job title can define me. You have created me with certain passions and You have given me a dream--no one can take that away. I pray that You continue to speak these truthes to me, especially over the next few critical weeks.

Thank You so much for the Social Justice Bible Study and all the events surrounding it. Thank You for [the woman] on the bus, questioning who is the ruler of this world, and why is there so much chaos. Thank You for the Bible Study itself and how You really got me thinking about living a lifestyle of social justice, and how this should just be an outpouring of Your spirit within me. Thank You for my scare coming home--it helped me consider the implications of what I want to do with my life (living and/or traveling in areas where I feel/am unsafe). Thank You, thank You, thank You.

God, please give me discernment over the next couple of weeks as I have to make difficult decisions. Also, give me grace and favor during my interview tomorrow. Open the door if this would be according to Your will.

reflections on reconciliation

I just came back from a conference about Christian community development. This year’s theme was “Reconcilliation.” I left with a heavy heart. Our world is so broken.

Although I’ve been exposed to many different cultures in my life, I realized that I’ve allowed my upbringing to shape my view on church. What does a multicultural church really look like? How do we really allow others to come as they are instead of asking them to fit our mold?

What does justice look like? For the immigrant? In education? In health care? In politics? What is my role in all of this?

How do I reconcile my calling with my skin color? Am I always going to be viewed as an arrogant white/American person who is trying to save “the under-privileged?” How can I serve while truly showing the love of Christ and protecting the dignity of those served?

We live in the tension of the now and not yet. But I want to see the Kingdom of God here on earth.

Even though I’m just sitting at the good ol’ computer and looking at Tumblr, I feel very aware of my existence and of the world around me.

I’m crying for the innocence stolen from children who’ve done no wrong.

I’m feeling powerless in the face of a world full of suffering.

I’m feeling so exhausted even though I’ve done so little.

Oh, God, won’t You give me more time to spend on the things that matter? Won’t You be my strength?

Because I cannot even fathom doing this alone.