pressing on and asking for help

Things have been hard for me recently. I constantly feel exhausted no matter how many hours I sleep. I’ve been hard on myself, frustrated by the lack of visible improvement in my stamina and productivity. I reached a breaking point when others started pointing this out to me as well. Trying as hard as I could was no longer enough. I realized that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore, so I decided to ask for help.

I started by asking my parents to hold me accountable with how I spend my time. I met with my counselor, who assisted me in coming up with next steps in different areas of my life (work, spiritual, social, health, etc.). I told close friends and mentors that I needed their prayers. The Lord immediately responded by enveloping me with peace and the assurance that I wouldn’t always feel this way; this was just another step in our journey together.

I hope that this encourages you to ask for help and prayers when life gets challenging. This life isn’t easy, but His “yoke is easy and [His] burden is light” (Mt. 11:30). We aren’t created to walk on this journey alone.

Million Little Miracles

One of my favorite ways that I hear the Lord speak to me is through music, especially worship music. I was recently listening to Old Church Basement, a new album by Maverick City Music & Elevation Worship. I’ve been deeply moved and have cried every time I’ve listened to the song Million Little Miracles – it’s a beautiful, anointed declaration of how much He has done for me (and for each of us). 

Listening to that song reminds me of the choice that we have about how we view and respond to the circumstances in our lives. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” This quote has been attributed to Albert Einstein, and I am taking it out of context for the purpose of this reflection. 

I’ve written quite a bit about my journey of recovery and healing from brain cancer and all the related treatments. I still struggle with fatigue and the ability to sleep well – it would be quite easy for me to focus on those things. But instead I’m choosing to be grateful and to recognize the miracles in my life: the way He gave me the strength to make it through the chemotherapy and radiation treatments without the most common side effect of vomiting; the fact that God made the brain to be neuroplastic (having the ability to adapt to experiences); the way He’s provided more than enough financially for the medical care I need(ed); healing my brother and mother from cancer years earlier as testimonies upon which I could build my faith; I could go on…

I hope that you can also take a moment to reflect upon the Lord’s faithfulness in your life. As the lyrics to Million Little Miracles say, “I hope [we] never get over what [He’s] done.”

growth

Can you believe it? We're already more than halfway through the year 2020! It's hard for me to grasp that just five months ago, I went on a personal prayer & planning retreat to ask the Lord what He wanted me to focus on this year. I dreamed, made goals, and planned the steps necessary to accomplish these goals.

And then the world changed with COVID-19. Many of the plans that I had made on that retreat were no longer feasible or just didn't make sense anymore. But the focus that the Lord had given me for the year - growth - was starting to make a lot more sense. Would I be able to adapt when circumstances didn't go according to my plans? Did I still trust that Jesus had the best in mind for me? Would I allow Him to stretch me in these challenging times?

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for the June session of our intensive three-week church planting training. I'm excited to let you know that – with only a couple minor adjustments – I successfully completed the training! The Lord gave me the stamina to make it through those long days and to show up for those early mornings; this was nothing short of a miracle!

During the storytelling part of the training, we were each challenged to practice a three-minute version of our personal “God story” or testimony. I focused mine around how I’ve seen the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness throughout my journey with brain cancer. The student I shared this with asked if she could film me sharing this to send to her friend H who just recently came to know the Lord and was discouraged in her fight against cancer. I’ve now been in touch with H for a couple of weeks and hope that my experiences can help strengthen her faith. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to impact someone who I may never meet in person. Isn’t God amazing like that?

courage in the face of fear

The past few months in my life have been characterized by an interesting combination of obstacles and opportunities. The local stay-at-home mandate found me working from home and missing the structure and routine of driving into the office everyday. Even though I lean strongly toward the introverted end of the scale, I started to miss my weekly gatherings with my church family and the wonderful hugs we exchanged to greet each other. Even though I believed (and still believe) that Jesus has healed me completely of brain cancer, I started to feel some fear creep in regarding my immune system's ability to fight off COVID-19 - how careful did I need to be? Was I part of the "vulnerable" population?

As my time of working remotely from home is quickly nearing the end, I'm realizing I've experienced many milestones during this time. After four years of being on staff here at All Nations Kansas City, I finally signed up for our three-week intensive church planting training (CPx) that our hub is holding June 7-June 27. I had never signed up before because I was afraid that the time commitment would be too much for me, as I have struggled with stamina and energy levels since radiation and chemotherapy at the end of 2017. Please pray for all the students and me during this training!

This past week I went in for my periodic brain MRI (which I had postponed by over a month due to my concerns about being at a health clinic at the height of COVID-19). My oncologist was pleased with the results, that there had been no changes on my scans for over two years (which was when I finished my chemotherapy treatment). This means that the plan is for me to continue getting MRIs every six months for the next few years, at which point I'll be able to elect to get them just once a year. These two milestones involved me doing something new, even though I was scared and, in some cases, terrified. Scared of failure, rejection, bad news. I think that this is a bit what courage looks like - acknowledging fears and stepping out in faith anyway.

fall update

The weather here in Kansas City has changed rapidly. We received some early snowfall in the last week of October. It was strangely beautiful to see the glistening white snow on top of the brightly-colored fall foliage.

Just two years ago I was nearing my last rounds of chemotherapy for brain cancer. A couple weeks ago my doctor told me that since my MRI results haven't shown any significant changes or cause for concern since I finished chemo, I'm now able to space out my MRIs from every four months to every six months! This may not seem like a big difference, but it is another significant milestone in my recovery journey. There is a part of me that would love to see my brain back to how it used to be before the tumor/cancer, but I'm learning to be thankful for His goodness even when my circumstances aren't what I hoped or expected.

South Africa reflection

I just returned to Kansas City from Cape Town, South Africa. It was so special to me to be able to meet many of the workers that I've corresponded with for 3+ years for the first time and to reconnect with others who I hadn't seen in a while. I'm still just in awe of the way that God answers our prayers. I had asked people to pray that I would have the stamina to make it through the travel and the long days; I did take one morning off to rest, but I made it! What a good Father! He gave me a supernatural measure of grace to make it through 12+ hour days when I often struggle to make it through my 7 or 8 hour days here.

On a deeper level, the Lord also reminded me about my absolute need to rely on Him, that I don't always need to be in control. I realized that I had been trying so hard to "recover" in my own strength and that it's okay and even good for me to not be able to do everything. This has been a challenging lesson for me to learn, especially since I'm a (recovering) perfectionist and tend to hold myself to unrealistic standards.

Surgiversary

I can't believe it's already August, when the temperatures usually reach their summer highs in KC and the neighborhood children prepare to return to school. August also brings back a lot of memories and mixed emotions for me; this year August 18th marks my five year "surgiversary" (the anniversary of my first brain surgery). I actually have a calendar reminder that goes off on the 18th of every month that simply says "Grateful." I know that I mention this a lot, but God really taught me how to choose joy and gratitude/praise in the midst of uncertainty and discomfort - I just had to focus on His unchanging character and faithfulness. Did it make the pain go away? No, but it helped it become more bearable.

I look forward to spending more time this month reflecting on what God has taught me in this crazy journey over the past five years. I'll definitely spend some time reading my past journals in order to remind myself how far I've come and how His hand has been over the me the whole time. Thanks for following along on this journey with me.

progress

Many of you have asked for updates on my health. My most recent MRI in June was "stable" again, not showing any areas for concern. This means that I will continue to have my MRI appointments every four months for now. I have also recently tapered off a medication that I had taken for two years, so that's progress!

I am in a good place in life right now, full of hope and joy. This past month I had a chance to go to Half Moon Bay, California for several days to meet up with seven of my college girlfriends (and some of their spouses and children!). The eight of us hadn't all been together in ten years! It was a healing experience for me because I had felt like I was missing out on so many opportunities over the past several years due to health limitations (not being able to travel, limited income, other uncertainties). I'm even looking forward to gathering with some of my organization's worldwide friends later this year in South Africa! I couldn't have even considered this two years ago when I was doing monthly chemotherapy treatments. I'm so grateful for the progress and the Lord's goodness every step of the way!

Thanks for following along on my journey. I hope that you've also taken the time to witness the Lord's care and goodness in your own story.

car problems become an opportunity

This last week has been a bit crazy but also very joyful. My car broke down on my way to an appointment, and I found out that it was probably my fault that the engine was no longer good (forgot to get a timely oil change - whooops!). Even though this type of situation just a couple years ago would have propelled me into major stress and some self-deprecating thoughts (I'm so stupid! How could I let this happen?!?), I found myself being grateful. Really. I was so thankful that I was able to exit the freeway immediately to pull over safely when smoke started to pour out of the front of my car. I didn't endanger any other vehicles. I knew exactly what to do - to call my car insurance to request a tow truck. I was in complete peace and noticed God in so many of the details that followed. The insurance company contracted "Almighty Towing" whose logo included an angel named "Towby," haha. This reminded me that He was in control and that everything would work out. The tow truck driver even offered to give me a ride home from the car shop where we left the car. (I almost forgot to mention that I was able to quickly find and buy another great used vehicle, having just enough money set aside in an account, leftover from a fundraiser that a friend had for me several years back. Thanks, God!)

This experience made me realize that I've "grown up" quite a bit in the last several years. "Practice gratitude" has become more than a mantra or saying - it has become my way of life, and He has given me so much more peace through this. This is a good reminder that we become what we practice. If we want to be close to God, we must practice being close in His Word and in prayer. Yes, it takes discipline and doing it even when we're not feeling like it.

Many of you have asked me for updates with my health. At this point, I'm only getting MRIs and following up with my oncologist every four months. I will continue to send updates on my health when I have them. All of my scans up to this point have been "stable," meaning that there are no visible changes or signs of cancer recurrence in the brain. I often get the question of when I'll be considered in remission, which I don't like to answer because it usually makes the other person uncomfortable. The medical community still hasn't found a "cure" for the type of brain cancer that I had, so these patients never get the satisfaction of knowing that they are in remission. So this requires more faith on my end to truly depend on Him and to believe that I've been healed (in Jesus' name!).

the eighteenth: my ebenezer!

As the eighteenth of each month passes, I become overwhelmed with gratitude. Another month of life. This date is easy for me to remember because my birthday is on the eighteenth of February. And my surgery "happened" to fall on my half birthday, the eighteenth of August. God is awesome like that. He hasn't allowed me to forget His goodness.

Mark Batterson, my pastor while I lived in DC, often talks about the importance of celebrating answers to prayer, ebenezer moments, with the same intensity with which we prayed. Ebenezer, a word in Hebrew, means "thus far the Lord has helped us."

It is hard for me not to celebrate every little answer to prayer these days. It's only been a little over a year and a half since my surgery. Just a year ago, I was asking for rides everywhere because I wasn't allowed to drive. I committed to play kickball weekly hoping that I would be able to find rides to all the games and practices. I'm playing kickball again this year, and I just realized the joy in the freedom of being able to drive myself to kickball!

So please rejoice with me in all that the Lord has done in my life! And take a moment to remember how much the Lord has done in your life.

a headache: reflections on recovery, self-care, and living an intentional life

I have a headache, indicating that something is wrong. My body needs more rest, because I did not sleep well the past couple of nights. I've been contemplating some big life changes, and nighttime is when all these thoughts come to mind and often interfere with my sleep.

My headache reminds me that just one year ago, I had the worst headache that would not go away. I would vomit up to seven times a day out of pain. I kept telling my parents that I wanted to poke a needle behind my right eye to relieve the pressure. I could not sleep without multiple ice packs around my head to try and numb the pain.

This headache didn't go away until two and half months later, after I had neurosurgery to remove the baseball-sized brain tumor that was causing the pressure. Unfortunately, I still couldn't sleep. The doctors gave me many medications to try and help with this. It wasn't until I got off all of those medications in December, nearly six months later, that I was finally able to sleep well.

Prior to my surgery, I didn't value sleep enough. I would stay up as late as possible because I never wanted the day to end. I would wake up early and drink multiple cups of coffee to keep going. I loved it. I thought that I didn't need sleep. I worked a lot, served a lot. I got a lot done. I thought that I was thriving. But deep down, I knew that I wasn't taking care of myself. I knew that I needed to make some changes.

At some point in April 2014, I took a piece of paper and wrote down my priorities. I was determined to rearrange my time commitments to match my priorities. I thought that I would begin that summer. God has a funny sense of humor. I like to say that He gave me a friendly "push" in the right direction.

Here I am, one year later, trying to realign my life with my priorities again. I want to live intentionally, to not waste time. 

Here they are, in order:

1) God - spend time in His word and in prayer

2) My health - set aside alone time; sleep well; exercise regularly; eat well
3) Family - go to weekly family lunches and call parents/siblings during the week

4) Friends - make quality time for those closest to me on a regular basis; keep in touch when not able to spend time together

5) Church - attend church services when possible; keep in touch with my church family (see #4)
6) Job - my job is not my life; go home after the work day is done

7) Community - help serve the community whenever I can

Several notes: I don't think that I prioritized health as high on my list last year as I have it now. But I've come to realize that I need to take care of myself to be able to give to others. Please also notice that God and church are not the same thing. My faith in Christ is not dependent upon attending church, but I do need the support of the church community and enjoy the fellowship. Lastly, I am trying my best to not define my life by my job. I am confident in the purpose and calling that God has given me. This can be seen through every aspect of my life, not just in my job.

GRATEFUL: the hardest and best year of my life

Seriously. This past year has probably been the hardest year of my life.

On June 4th, 2014, I woke up with a terrible headache and started vomiting from the pain. My whole body hurt and my vision was blurry.

This ended up lasting all summer. It wasn't until August 14th that I was diagnosed with a large Oligastrocytoma brain tumor. August 18th was my surgery, and I focused all my efforts on "recovery," even though I had no clue what that was supposed to look like.

I celebrated each accomplishment, no matter how small: washing my hair with normal shampoo, walking around Target without being overwhelmed, moving back to my apartment after 4.5 months of staying with my parents, etc.

I was obsessed with returning to work. I loved my job. It was so hard to spend an entire summer trying to get better from a misdiagnosed ailment and not knowing when I could work again. 

On October 13th, just two months after brain surgery, I returned to work part time. It was exhausting. I focused all my energy on making it through each day. I maintained a positive attitude, because I was SO grateful to be back. I had a renewed sense of purpose and asked my work to start including my mother's maiden name. I started to really own my Latina identity.

By December 1st, I was back to full-time at work and by mid-December, I was promoted. This was surreal. Every moment was still a struggle, but I started to become more confident that I was going to be okay. Physically, I was struggling to cope with the terrible side effects of the many medications that I was on. I lost a lot of weight and was vomitting most mornings when I woke up.

It was also in December that I finally joined Young Latino Professionals and met some of the people who would become my friends and greatest supporters. Thank you so much for not treating me differently because of my surgery. I love you guys.

In January, after having recovered from some spinal procedures, I had a partial seizure and found out that I would need to be on medication to prevent seizures and that I wouldn't be able to drive for six months. My work rewrote my job description to accommodate me (thank you!), and I found ways to get around.

On February 1st, I had a full seizure while I was waiting for lunch with my parents. I blacked out and was rushed away in an ambulance. A week later, on February 7th, I hosted my #practicegratitude party to celebrate six months of surgery recovery, as well as my 29th birthday. I still have everyone's contributions hanging up in my house. Thank you.

During this time, I started realizing that I had been going through some personality changes. I was no longer shy or afraid. I enjoyed being social. I had to re-learn how to not speak everything that was on my mind. This is quite scary for someone who has been a shy, reserved for 28+ years. Thank you to my friends, family, and co-workers who helped point out my innappropriate comments and temporary loss of filter.

This year has been so challenging. I've had to deal with the unknown on a regular basis. Would I die in surgery? Would I be permanently disabled? Would the tumor grow back? Almost every day I am faced with a new challenge. But I have learned to focus on what I can control: my attitude. I cannot control what has happened to me.

Why would I want to be bitter and angry for all the pain I've gone through? That would only hurt me and hurt those around me. Instead, I've chosen to #practicegratitude and to focus on giving thanks to the Lord for giving me the strength that I've needed to make it through each challenge (and to survive every moment of everyday).

I've learned that it is okay to not be okay. Our society really pushes individualism and glorifies the image of people who "have it all together." But this is not reality. Everyone is struggling and needs help. I hope that we can become more open about this. We would become a much more healthy society and there would be less stigma attached to people asking for help.

I've learned to take care of myself. I used to just give, give, give. But now I acknowledge that it's healthy for me to have friends and to not spend every single moment serving the community. It's okay for me to have fun. I've finally reached a healthy weight, and I'm exercising on a regular basis. This is so important. If I want to be effective in giving to others, I must be healthy: physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

I've learned the power of vulnerability. As I share my story with others, people thank me and say they are encouraged. All I'm doing is being honest. Life is hard and can be extremely painful. But there is hope in Jesus. And I want to share that with everyone I meet.

the problem with social media

As I scroll down my Newsfeed on Facebook, I often become depressed. I see happy couples, cousins growing up together, babies being born, exotic vacations, my friends becoming doctors and lawyers...I feel like my life doesn't measure up. But I am also guilty of contributing to this unrealistic image of a "happy" life. I don't want to use social media as an outlet for complaining, so I often just post the happy moments. 

If you are following me on Instagram or Facebook, you have probably noticed an overwhelming amount of positive posts from me in the past six months. But please know, this is a choice. My life is extremely difficult. But I am choosing to practice gratitude and to focus on the positive.

The truth is that I don't like to talk about some of the hard moments. I got a spinal tap done in December and was in so much pain that I had to get a follow up procedure to help me be able to function. I've had seizures, so I'm not allowed to drive (the reason why I'm having other people drive me around as seen in the #inthecarwithKat series). One day in February I was late to work because I had to get an EEG brain scan. 

Beyond the inconvenience and discomfort of all these appointments and procedures, there is a lot of pain. For about an hour one recent afternoon, I was lying still on a table, getting a brain MRI completed. As I lay there, I prayed for people. I sang songs in my head. I got excited about my plans for that evening. But before I knew it, tears started welling up in my eyes. I found myself remembering my first MRI after my surgery in August and how scared I was, not knowing what my future would hold. The emotional pain is still there. I've gone through a lot. No one can understand what I've gone through. Every neurosurgery patient has a different experience. It's a lonely place to be in.

I am not alone, of course. I am so grateful for Jesus, and the way that He has provided the strength and the grace that I have needed to make it through every single moment. I thank my friends and family who have stuck by my side and supported me, even as I've gone through some crazy personality and behavioral changes (right frontal lobe). I'm excited to have made a lot of new friends who have been incredibly supportive and kind to me, even after I've explained my health situation.

I've been thanked for being vulnerable, for being honest about my struggles. I will continue to do this if it encourages people. I honestly have no idea who is reading my posts. But if I encourage even one person, then it is worth it to me.

six months ago - fear and peace

Excerpt from my journal, six months ago (Tuesday, September 9th, 2014; 8:29am; Olathe, KS):

"Lord, I'm afraid. I am meeting with the neuro-oncologist this morning to discuss the type of tumor that I had removed and possibly further treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, MRIs, etc.)

I actually felt better overall yesterday for the first time that I've noticed since the surgery. I guess it helps that I had a few decent nights of sleep in a row. Maybe it's because I actually spent some time in Your Word yesterday or because I had something to look forward to (going to pick up stuff from my home in KCK). Whatever the reason, thank You! I had been feeling bitter and resentful of all the cards that said 'I hope you're feeling better and better each day.' I know that everyone says that I've made incredible progress, but I don't necessarily see it.

Lord, please give me Your peace today. Please give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please give me ears to hear and understand all the information that will be given to me this morning. Please give my parents and me discernment as we hear about treatment options - help us ask good questions.

Lord, You have promised to give me perfect peace when I keep my mind stayed on You. Well, I am choosing to focus on You, and I accept the gift of peace. I refuse to partner with fear, anxiety, and worry."

[This appointment went well. It was still too early to tell how successful the surgery was. We scheduled my next MRI for three months later to check for tumor re-growth. 

I'm so grateful for recovery and progress. I can sleep well after six months of not being able to. I wake up each morning excited for a new day.]

journal from six months ago - back home from the hospital

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Saturday, August 23rd, 2014 @ 2:15pm - back @ parents' home in Olathe, KS - NOT KUMed!):

"Wow, well that was a crazy blur. Never in a million years could I have imagined that this would happen to me. But I did just survive brain surgery. And I'm on the road to recovery...I'm not sure what this will look like (I'm still not even sure if the tumor was malignant / benign...)

So, as the sign for my 'after pic' said: Thank You, Jesus! I survived the surgery, can walk, have 95% less tumor in my head, and still have a life full of possibilities before me. And I know that You've already used this situation to glorify Your name - [friend] already said that she has been able to experience You in ways that she hadn't before - my trials/suffering this week/summer would be worth it just for her! I can't even begin to fathom what type of ripple effect this could have upon others...

Lord, I did also want to specifically thank You for showing me how much You care about me by the little details - the fact that my good friend's mother could pull the strings to have the Chief of Neurosurgery lead the operation; the fact that before the surgery Dr. Camarata asked me about Bishop Ward High School (and I got so excited!) - only You, God, could have known how to get me excited in such a way before brain surgery.

Lord, I know that I've been angry and irritable since the surgery - please help me. Please help me to be kind and gracious and thankful - I don't want to permanently damage any relationships during this time. I don't know how I'm going to handle [family] getting here today, but as I professed before the surgery, I believe You will continue to give me the grace that I need in each moment.

Lord, thank You. I'm sorry for the fears/lies that I've held on to - here is a definite opportunity for breakthrough - please don't let me miss it. I'm sorry for the doubts/uncertainty that came out after the surgery. I guess these didn't come as a surprise to You, but please increase my faith (I guess I need to be more careful about praying that prayer, haha)."

[Today: Thank You, Jesus, for not letting me miss that opportunity for breakthrough!]