Abiding with Jesus through Practicing Gratitude

Yesterday I facilitated an “abiding” time with Jesus, which is a daily part of my work's annual church planting training. I chose to focus on the significance and power of gratitude in my walk with Jesus. If you’ve known me a little while, you know that I keep returning to this theme. When I was struggling with an undiagnosed illness and suffering with interminable pain, the Lord gave me the gift of being able to choose to worship and to thank Him for His goodness in my life, even when I wasn’t feeling it. It was the only way that I knew how to wage battle in a war with discontent and frustration. This became an even more important strategy and spiritual “weapon” when my situation became progressively harder with the eventual brain cancer diagnosis and the treatments that would follow.

After sharing my story with the students, I asked them to take around 45 minutes in that same spirit of gratitude to thank Him. It was so encouraging to hear how one student started in a place of thankfulness and then the Lord brought her heart to a place of conviction and repentance. One man shared how that worship helped him let go of his worries. Another student mentioned how the time that they were allotted was not enough for her to write down all the reasons for gratitude that she had. 

May you remember that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety and that worship is a powerful spiritual weapon, no matter the situation you find yourself in.

Surrendering my Preferences

As I’ve mentioned before, I often hear God speaking to me through music. The lyrics to "Preference" by Rachel Morley seem to nicely summarize the posture of my heart through this year of attempting to surrender every part of my life:

“What if it doesn’t look like I thought it would?
What if You come in ways I didn’t know You could?
Offend my mind; reveal my heart.
I won’t worship my preference anymore.”

I realize that I may have been missing the way that He’s working in my life because I’m expecting it to look different. The desire of my heart is to have His will for my life in the ways He wants, not the ways I want. Surrender also means laying down my expectations and desires of what the answers to my prayers “should” look like. I must daily remind myself: Your will. Your way. Your timing.

May you end this year with grace. I bless you with open ears and eyes so that you will see how He’s moving in your life, even in the unexpected and unimaginable ways.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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Official Lyric Video: Preference - Rachel Morley

a blessing prayer for all missionaries

Lord, I ask You would bless their plans to reach their people or city for Your glory. I ask that You would take the seeds they are planting and bring them to the fruition You desire. Please open the hearts of the people in their area to Your truth. Go before them and prepare the hearts of the people that will be Yours.

my word for 2021

Last month I had the opportunity to go on a personal prayer & planning retreat, something I try to do at least two times per year. The main goal of my retreat was to reflect upon last year and to ask the Lord for a word/direction for 2021. I believe He told me to focus on “surrender” for this year. To surrender is to trust that His ways are better than mine – it doesn’t take much contemplation for me to know that’s true. It’s also an act of worship. My life is not about me; it’s about bringing Him glory and honor. Instead of allowing myself to become disappointed when circumstances don’t meet my expectations, I’m choosing to trust His will AND say that it is good, even when I don’t understand. I often remind myself to pray: “Your will. Your way. Your timing.” 

One practical way I plan on maintaining an attitude of surrender is through observing a Sabbath, a command that I’ve never taken seriously enough. It’s only been about a month since I’ve started doing this, but I’m already immensely enjoying the benefits of resting and delighting in Him. I used to really struggle with the feeling that I never had enough time to journal my prayers and thoughts during the week. Now I look forward to “catching up” on journaling each Saturday morning (after sleeping in) and then having a whole day with nothing competing for my time with Him.

My 6th Surgiversary

We've finally made it to the last quarter of the year! Can you believe it? I don't know about you, but some of these past months have seemed to last longer than usual, ha. 

This last month has been full of contemplation and gratitude. On August 18th, I celebrated my 6th “surgiversary;” that is, the 6th anniversary of my first brain surgery. Last year (for my 5th surgiversary), I made a point to return to the hospital and to recreate my photos from when I was released after my surgery in 2014. This year I was content to just take a moment to thank God for how far He has carried me in this journey. It would be impossible for me to describe these six years, so I'll just share some of the things I experienced as well as some of the lessons I've learned.

Some of the things I've experienced: a day that began at the eye doctor for blurry vision and ended in the ER with concern for my brain; 46 staples on my scalp; a spinal tap with a headache that required the follow-up "blood patch" procedure; multiple seizures; eight months needing to ask for rides without being allowed to drive; a trip to Houston for a 2nd medical opinion; an extremely successful GoFundMe campaign; a second surgery; 33 rounds of radiation to the brain; sudden loss of a third of the hair on my head; 18 months of wearing hats every day; 12 months of chemotherapy; 12 weekends spent in bed with chemo exhaustion; and I've lost count of the number of brain MRIs. 

Wow! And that was the short list...

Some lessons I learned: Recovery is messy and not linear; it’s hard work! A good night’s sleep can often completely change your outlook on life. Every morning is a chance to begin again ("His mercies are new every morning..."). Even when everything seems challenging, it’s essential to find reasons to celebrate. We cannot control our circumstances, but we can choose our response to each situation. We are created to live in community. Most people are happy to help; we just need to be willing to ask. While an illness/diagnosis/hardship may tell part of your story, only Jesus can define your identity. Choosing faith over fear takes practice. It’s okay to struggle. It's important to set time aside to reflect on who the Lord is and what He has done in our lives - I choose to do this every month with you at payroll time (it forces me to be in the habit) as well as on the 18th of every month when my "Grateful!" notification goes off on my phone. :)

Thanks for humoring me this month with these long lists. I plan to expand upon these points in a blog and maybe eventually in a devotional style book. I hope my words encourage you to set some time aside to reflect upon some lessons you may have learned in recent times, maybe even during this pandemic. If you ask Him to show you, you'll find that His faithfulness is the constant thread weaving together each moment within the tapestry of your life.

a much needed retreat and book

This past weekend I had the privilege of going on another personal prayer retreat. My main goal on this retreat was to rest and "go off the grid" (that is, to turn off my phone). A friend had just recommended The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer, which ended up being the perfect book to remind me of the power of disconnecting from technology and slowing down the pace of my life. The author started his own journey after hearing Dallas Willard's response to the question of what was necessary in order to grow spiritually: "Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." This rang true for me on my retreat as I was finally able to rest without the barrage of bad news streaming in and endless notifications going off on my phone.

In the silence and solitude (one of the four main areas discussed in the book) of my solo retreat, I was able to focus enough to read two entire books as well as to spend dedicated time to journaling some of my prayers; both of those things are challenging for me at home as I feel inundated with distractions. The author also encourages us to further explore Sabbath, Simplicity, and Slowing. I asked the Lord how I could practically apply some of the ideas presented in the book. In my journal, I wrote down some small changes that I'd like to make in each of these respective areas. 

I would highly recommend the book to anyone who is living a "hurried" life and would like an easy read with some great inspiration and practical tips of where to start. I didn't mean for my reflection to turn into a book review, but these are still the things that I'm processing. I look forward to seeing how I'm able to integrate some of these changes into my lifestyle in the coming months.

growth

Can you believe it? We're already more than halfway through the year 2020! It's hard for me to grasp that just five months ago, I went on a personal prayer & planning retreat to ask the Lord what He wanted me to focus on this year. I dreamed, made goals, and planned the steps necessary to accomplish these goals.

And then the world changed with COVID-19. Many of the plans that I had made on that retreat were no longer feasible or just didn't make sense anymore. But the focus that the Lord had given me for the year - growth - was starting to make a lot more sense. Would I be able to adapt when circumstances didn't go according to my plans? Did I still trust that Jesus had the best in mind for me? Would I allow Him to stretch me in these challenging times?

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for the June session of our intensive three-week church planting training. I'm excited to let you know that – with only a couple minor adjustments – I successfully completed the training! The Lord gave me the stamina to make it through those long days and to show up for those early mornings; this was nothing short of a miracle!

During the storytelling part of the training, we were each challenged to practice a three-minute version of our personal “God story” or testimony. I focused mine around how I’ve seen the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness throughout my journey with brain cancer. The student I shared this with asked if she could film me sharing this to send to her friend H who just recently came to know the Lord and was discouraged in her fight against cancer. I’ve now been in touch with H for a couple of weeks and hope that my experiences can help strengthen her faith. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to impact someone who I may never meet in person. Isn’t God amazing like that?

40 day wilderness fast

This is a busy time for most of my office as we prepare for our gathering in South Africa as well as for the training we'll be holding almost immediately upon our return in October. It has been especially exciting for me to watch how God has provided the finances for me to be able to go to South Africa, often from the most surprising sources! During this time of preparation, I've found it easy to get lost in the busyness, but I've chosen to join my church as they go through a 40-day "wilderness fast," to surrender distractions, comforts, and conveniences in order to experience a greater hunger and thirst for God's presence.

I've chosen to fast from social media (Instagram & Facebook), games on my smartphone, all streaming shows, and purchasing anything that I don't need. I didn't realize how distracted I'd allowed myself to become until I removed these distractions. The timing of this fast seems to be providential, as I can imagine that I'd be relying on distractions instead of prayer to help me get through the stress of preparing for this trip, which will be my first significant international trip in over 10 years! Without these distractions and conveniences, I have enjoyed being mindful and intentional in how I spend my time: reading books, journaling, and pausing before purchasing something. I've found peace in having more time to mentally and spiritually prepare for each day, and I've even been sleeping better (most nights). I'm so grateful that I've had the opportunity to do another season similar to Lent earlier this year. I'm realizing that I would like to incorporate fasting on a more regular basis in order to realign my actions with my desired priorities.

I hope that your habits are aligned with your priorities and if not, that you have a chance to make the needed changes.

Surgiversary

I can't believe it's already August, when the temperatures usually reach their summer highs in KC and the neighborhood children prepare to return to school. August also brings back a lot of memories and mixed emotions for me; this year August 18th marks my five year "surgiversary" (the anniversary of my first brain surgery). I actually have a calendar reminder that goes off on the 18th of every month that simply says "Grateful." I know that I mention this a lot, but God really taught me how to choose joy and gratitude/praise in the midst of uncertainty and discomfort - I just had to focus on His unchanging character and faithfulness. Did it make the pain go away? No, but it helped it become more bearable.

I look forward to spending more time this month reflecting on what God has taught me in this crazy journey over the past five years. I'll definitely spend some time reading my past journals in order to remind myself how far I've come and how His hand has been over the me the whole time. Thanks for following along on this journey with me.

When $10 is more than just $10 (a lesson in provision & following the Holy Spirit)

This is really humbling to say and to publish online, so please understand that I am sharing this to bring glory to God and to show that He really cares for all our needs, big and small.

I've been feeling overwhelmed by the need around me. So many people are fighting cancer and need financial support. I recently read a post by someone who is selling t-shirts to help with raising the funds for their upcoming cancer-related surgery. I felt led to donate $10 toward the surgery instead of purchasing a t-shirt. Now ten dollars may not seem like a lot of money to most people. However, I am on an extremely tight budget as I am still trying to raise my support level from part-time to full-time. (Where I work the staff does not receive a salary; each staff member is responsible for raising his/her own support from individuals/churches/other orgs.) After sending the donation, I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, wondering how that would affect my bank account this month.

The next day, I stumbled upon a couple of receipts of supplies that I had bought for work that I had forgotten to submit for reimbursement. The total amount? $9.56. That's pretty darn close to the $10 that I had spent.

Thanks, God. I'm sorry for ever worrying about finances and provision. You are my provider, and You have more than I'll never need. Actually, You ARE more than I'll ever need. You are everything.

Checking in during Lent 2019

I have really appreciated the Lenten season thus far. As you may remember, I had given up impulsive shopping/purchases and resorting to watching streaming shows when bored, with the goal of instead turning my attention to God and gratitude. I've found myself wanting to drive to the store and then realizing that I didn't need anything, so I would head home instead. I was surprised that I often felt relief when I realized that I didn't need to waste my time or money in a store. Also, instead of filling my mind with television programming before bed, I've learned to listen to the Word through an app on my phone. I've found this really soothing and restful. As I've been trying to break each of these negative habits, out of frustration I've often responded, "Oh, Jesus, how I need You! I'm so sorry for looking for satisfaction in other places. Thank You for Your sacrifice that I may know You."

I hope that you have been able to reflect on His sacrifice during this Lenten season as well. If not, we still have two weeks to do so!

the eighteenth: my ebenezer!

As the eighteenth of each month passes, I become overwhelmed with gratitude. Another month of life. This date is easy for me to remember because my birthday is on the eighteenth of February. And my surgery "happened" to fall on my half birthday, the eighteenth of August. God is awesome like that. He hasn't allowed me to forget His goodness.

Mark Batterson, my pastor while I lived in DC, often talks about the importance of celebrating answers to prayer, ebenezer moments, with the same intensity with which we prayed. Ebenezer, a word in Hebrew, means "thus far the Lord has helped us."

It is hard for me not to celebrate every little answer to prayer these days. It's only been a little over a year and a half since my surgery. Just a year ago, I was asking for rides everywhere because I wasn't allowed to drive. I committed to play kickball weekly hoping that I would be able to find rides to all the games and practices. I'm playing kickball again this year, and I just realized the joy in the freedom of being able to drive myself to kickball!

So please rejoice with me in all that the Lord has done in my life! And take a moment to remember how much the Lord has done in your life.

tutte le possibilità

Life is full of possibilities. I'm at a point where I feel like the choices that I make today could determine the outcome of my life. But then I remember: "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9; NLT)

This life is but a breath. It seems like yesterday that I was a high school student hiding in my walk-in closet to finish my homework after my bedtime. (My parents insisted that I go to bed at 9pm, but I was in all honors classes and did sports after school...not leaving enough time for me to complete by homework by 9pm.) But I graduated from high school over 11 years ago. People keep telling me that I am young and that I have so much life ahead of me. But that is not a guarantee, nor is it an excuse to be frivolous with time. These first 29 years have gone by very quickly, and I don't want to waste a single moment of the rest of my life.

I have so many ideas of what my life could look like: to get married and have a family (including adopting/fostering children); to become an artist; to start a ministry and/or a non-profit organization; to go to graduate school (for what? I still don't know); to teach; to live in Buenos Aires; to write books; etc...I guess that these are not all mutually exclusive, but I probably can't become a doctor and lawyer and teacher all in one lifetime. 

I once came across a quote that really resonated with me from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath:

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I don't know what my future might hold, but I am determined to live every moment with purpose and conviction. As I continue to trust God with each moment and each decision, He will direct the course of my life.

May my life bring glory to God. Soli Deo gloria. 

reflections on becoming an adult...as told by my 18-year-old self

Excerpt from my journal:

February 21, 2004

Jesus,

So my birthday has come and gone, and I still feel the same. Am I supposed to feel like an adult when I turn 18 years old? Am I supposed to feel like a peer among other adults? Am I supposed to be above all the teenage drama? Well, I don't feel any of those things. I don't even look 18--people say that I look like I am 14 or 15. But hey, I've also been told that I am very mature for my age and a natural leader.

Lord, within the past couple of weeks I have really contemplated my self-image. I don't have enough self-confidence. I always want the right clothes; I want to befriend the semi-popular crowd; I want to be liked by guys (but when this happens, I am still not happy); I want recognition; I want to be the best; I want perfect hair and a skinnier body (though I am really thin but muscular); I want better scores on the ACT, SAT, and SAT II's; I want better guy friends; I want, I want, I want...

Yet I know that none of this will satisfy me--it's all superficial...but it is so hard. I sometimes think that I look pretty and that my hair/body are perfect. Sometimes I feel really ugly and awkward and that my hair is annoying and that my body is disproportional. 

Lord, help me to be secure in You. help me develop my own sense of style. Help me be content with all the wonderful things that I have. Help me appreciate all the people I have changed, all the friendships I have gained. Help me see things the way You see them. Help me see myself the way You see me. Help me praise You in the midst of blessing and suffering.

moving back home [six months ago]

excerpts from my journal, six months ago
Saturday, October 4th, 2014; 8:24am
Olathe, KS

"Lord, thank You. I can't say it enough. I know that this season or trial isn't necessarily over, but I feel great, and I'm so excited to have this chance to start over. There were so many times this summer and even right after surgery that I didn't think that I had the endurance to make it any longer. I was so tired and fed up with feeling terrible. I had lost hope. Many days blurred together, and it felt like the struggle would never end. But You were always there for me.

I have been so blessed to be able to live with my parents for four months. I was frustrated, while journaling, to not be able to write that I was back in KCK. It was so hard for me to not know when this could be a possibility. I had to wait and see how things would go. I was so tired of waiting (even of 'resting'). But the time has arrived. I move back to KCK today. I have no idea what the future holds, but I choose to trust You. You will continue to be my strength, and You will continue to give me the grace to make it through each day.

Please help me not to lose sight of You and Your faithfulness during this time. Please help me to not be terribly disappointed when situations do not meet my expectations. Help me have grace for myself when I 'mess up' or do not accomplish everything that I wanted to. [...]"

Remember, dear soul

"Remember, dear soul, how you then were led, contrary to all that your experience, and your feelings, and even your sober judgment said, to take Jesus at His word, and how you were not disappointed. He did receive you, and pardon you; He did love you, and save you—you know it. And if He did this for you when you were an enemy and a stranger, what think you, now that you are His own, will He not much more fulfill His promise?"

-Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ (p. 27)

Lord, let me make a difference for You utterly disproportionate to who I am.

-John Piper

Today was hard. Working on a Sunday is not something that I would like to continue doing on a regular basis. The office was quiet and lonely and I felt the weight of my families’ burdens. So many people who are hurting!

I do not pray for them nearly enough. It seems so overwhelming to mention each one by name and too impersonal to pray for them as a group. So pray with me for a few of them?

Lord, please be with L as she and her daughter seek refuge from the violence in their own home. I also lift up L2 who seems beyond saving, but nothing is beyond Your reach, O Lord. Please lift up V’s head while she’s going through the most difficult month in her life.

Just found out that one of my favorite girls I tutor had her uncle murdered on Saturday.

Oh, God of comfort, be near to them.

Even though I’m just sitting at the good ol’ computer and looking at Tumblr, I feel very aware of my existence and of the world around me.

I’m crying for the innocence stolen from children who’ve done no wrong.

I’m feeling powerless in the face of a world full of suffering.

I’m feeling so exhausted even though I’ve done so little.

Oh, God, won’t You give me more time to spend on the things that matter? Won’t You be my strength?

Because I cannot even fathom doing this alone.