Surrendering my Preferences

As I’ve mentioned before, I often hear God speaking to me through music. The lyrics to "Preference" by Rachel Morley seem to nicely summarize the posture of my heart through this year of attempting to surrender every part of my life:

“What if it doesn’t look like I thought it would?
What if You come in ways I didn’t know You could?
Offend my mind; reveal my heart.
I won’t worship my preference anymore.”

I realize that I may have been missing the way that He’s working in my life because I’m expecting it to look different. The desire of my heart is to have His will for my life in the ways He wants, not the ways I want. Surrender also means laying down my expectations and desires of what the answers to my prayers “should” look like. I must daily remind myself: Your will. Your way. Your timing.

May you end this year with grace. I bless you with open ears and eyes so that you will see how He’s moving in your life, even in the unexpected and unimaginable ways.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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Official Lyric Video: Preference - Rachel Morley

another Ebenezer

I’ve been excited to share with you that this past August 18th marked seven years since my first brain surgery! I call this date my “surgiversary” (the anniversary of my surgery). My most recent brain MRI was in June and my health care team was pleased with the results, stating that there had been no changes on my scans over the past three years (which is when I had finished my chemotherapy treatment). This means that the plan is for me to continue getting MRIs every six months for the next couple of years, at which point I'll have the choice to get these scans just once a year if I'm comfortable with that.

I’ve long believed that one of my callings in life is to encourage others through sharing my story. This conviction has taken on even more significance as I’ve navigated through these health challenges. On this past surgiversary I posted online the “after” photo of when I was released from the hospital following my first surgery. Then a classmate I went to Georgetown with reached out to me and shared that she’d unexpectedly had a brain tumor removed earlier this year. She was hoping that I’d be able to share resources for healing and rebuilding after brain tumor removal. Although our experiences have not been the same, I’ve been able to share what I’ve found helpful and what I wish I would’ve found out earlier in my recovery journey. The overarching message of what I’ve shared with her and others is that although my recovery journey hasn’t been as smooth or quick as I would’ve hoped, I’m still overwhelmed with gratitude of how far the Lord has carried me and His faithfulness along the way.

I’ll leave you with some lyrics from my *current* favorite worship song, “Just As Good” by Chris Renzema (feat. Ellie Holcomb):

“And I will build an altar
and stack it stone by stone
'cause every Ebeneezer says I've never been alone.
My faith will surely falter
but that [doesn't] change what You've done
'cause every Ebeneezer points to where my help comes from.”

Million Little Miracles

One of my favorite ways that I hear the Lord speak to me is through music, especially worship music. I was recently listening to Old Church Basement, a new album by Maverick City Music & Elevation Worship. I’ve been deeply moved and have cried every time I’ve listened to the song Million Little Miracles – it’s a beautiful, anointed declaration of how much He has done for me (and for each of us). 

Listening to that song reminds me of the choice that we have about how we view and respond to the circumstances in our lives. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” This quote has been attributed to Albert Einstein, and I am taking it out of context for the purpose of this reflection. 

I’ve written quite a bit about my journey of recovery and healing from brain cancer and all the related treatments. I still struggle with fatigue and the ability to sleep well – it would be quite easy for me to focus on those things. But instead I’m choosing to be grateful and to recognize the miracles in my life: the way He gave me the strength to make it through the chemotherapy and radiation treatments without the most common side effect of vomiting; the fact that God made the brain to be neuroplastic (having the ability to adapt to experiences); the way He’s provided more than enough financially for the medical care I need(ed); healing my brother and mother from cancer years earlier as testimonies upon which I could build my faith; I could go on…

I hope that you can also take a moment to reflect upon the Lord’s faithfulness in your life. As the lyrics to Million Little Miracles say, “I hope [we] never get over what [He’s] done.”

our story is unfolding

Over the past few years I've come to really love thinking of my life in terms of seasons or chapters. This has helped me to have hope during the hard times, knowing that that particular season wouldn't last forever. I've also learned to take a step back to reflect on what the Lord has already done in previous times of my life to give me confidence for the future, which is why I'm constantly encouraging others to journal as a spiritual discipline. And just like any novel with an exciting plot, no detail included in our lives is wasted. Our Lord redeems every low point, disappointment, mistake, and tragedy. Nothing is wasted in His hands. 

I recently heard a song that reminded me to take a step back and have hope for this year and for the future: "As long as You're in it, the story's not finished. I know You've overcome, so I know I'll overcome." [Breakthrough Miracle Power by Passion] I hope that this encourages you to keep going - your story isn't finished yet!

Don't Forget to Remember

I love listening to music, particularly uplifting music. I recently came across a new song by Ellie Holcomb titled "Don't Forget to Remember" on one of my weekly playlists curated by Spotify (the online audio streaming service/app). The song is written for children (and the adults in their lives) and talks about looking at different aspects of creation as reminders of God's love, goodness, and presence. The lyrics to the song are also the words to a lovely children's book. Ellie Holcomb says that she wrote them to "help [her] own forgetful heart and [her] children’s precious hearts remember what is true."

In the weeks following my discovery of this song, I've often told myself, "Don't forget to remember..." filling in the rest with a truth like "God is good,"  "God is here," or "I'm never alone." As humans, we can be very forgetful, so I think we need to be intentional to remind ourselves of truth. I have lots of encouraging quotes/verses hanging near my desk at work. I also try to acknowledge the beauty of God's creation whenever I can.

I hope that you can take some time in the coming weeks to remind yourself to remember God's faithfulness whether through reading old journal entries, enjoying His creation, or listening to a good song. Check out Ellie Holcomb's book and song online if you're interested. I'll leave you with some of the lyrics:

"And when you catch the snowflakes that fall from the sky
Don't forget to remember you're one of a kind
And after the winter and cold are all through
The flowers remind you God makes all things new"

I'm lost without Your creative spark in me.

--Rend Collective Experiment, "Dry Bones"