Abiding with Jesus through Practicing Gratitude

Yesterday I facilitated an “abiding” time with Jesus, which is a daily part of my work's annual church planting training. I chose to focus on the significance and power of gratitude in my walk with Jesus. If you’ve known me a little while, you know that I keep returning to this theme. When I was struggling with an undiagnosed illness and suffering with interminable pain, the Lord gave me the gift of being able to choose to worship and to thank Him for His goodness in my life, even when I wasn’t feeling it. It was the only way that I knew how to wage battle in a war with discontent and frustration. This became an even more important strategy and spiritual “weapon” when my situation became progressively harder with the eventual brain cancer diagnosis and the treatments that would follow.

After sharing my story with the students, I asked them to take around 45 minutes in that same spirit of gratitude to thank Him. It was so encouraging to hear how one student started in a place of thankfulness and then the Lord brought her heart to a place of conviction and repentance. One man shared how that worship helped him let go of his worries. Another student mentioned how the time that they were allotted was not enough for her to write down all the reasons for gratitude that she had. 

May you remember that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety and that worship is a powerful spiritual weapon, no matter the situation you find yourself in.

for nothing is impossible with God

I was recently challenged to step out in faith in the midst of fear. I’d been accepted into a 2-week, 80-hour intensive course (how to coach language learners) that would be taking place away from home. The Lord had prompted me to apply and then He quickly provided the funds. I knew I was supposed to attend the course, but I became terrified when I saw the actual schedule. I didn’t believe that there was any way I’d be able physically survive the two weeks of 12+ hour days! However, someone from my house church encouraged me with something the Lord had told him when he was anxious, “You’re afraid because you’re imagining your future with Me.” This strengthened my resolve and confidence! I didn’t have to be able to do this on my own – if the Lord had called me to it, He would equip me with the energy I needed.

There were some hard moments and I definitely felt pretty tired at times, but the Lord gave me the grace, energy, and sleep that I needed to successfully complete the two weeks! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have yet another example of His faithfulness in my life. “For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)”

growth

Can you believe it? We're already more than halfway through the year 2020! It's hard for me to grasp that just five months ago, I went on a personal prayer & planning retreat to ask the Lord what He wanted me to focus on this year. I dreamed, made goals, and planned the steps necessary to accomplish these goals.

And then the world changed with COVID-19. Many of the plans that I had made on that retreat were no longer feasible or just didn't make sense anymore. But the focus that the Lord had given me for the year - growth - was starting to make a lot more sense. Would I be able to adapt when circumstances didn't go according to my plans? Did I still trust that Jesus had the best in mind for me? Would I allow Him to stretch me in these challenging times?

As I mentioned in my last post, I signed up for the June session of our intensive three-week church planting training. I'm excited to let you know that – with only a couple minor adjustments – I successfully completed the training! The Lord gave me the stamina to make it through those long days and to show up for those early mornings; this was nothing short of a miracle!

During the storytelling part of the training, we were each challenged to practice a three-minute version of our personal “God story” or testimony. I focused mine around how I’ve seen the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness throughout my journey with brain cancer. The student I shared this with asked if she could film me sharing this to send to her friend H who just recently came to know the Lord and was discouraged in her fight against cancer. I’ve now been in touch with H for a couple of weeks and hope that my experiences can help strengthen her faith. I’m grateful to have had this opportunity to impact someone who I may never meet in person. Isn’t God amazing like that?

courage in the face of fear

The past few months in my life have been characterized by an interesting combination of obstacles and opportunities. The local stay-at-home mandate found me working from home and missing the structure and routine of driving into the office everyday. Even though I lean strongly toward the introverted end of the scale, I started to miss my weekly gatherings with my church family and the wonderful hugs we exchanged to greet each other. Even though I believed (and still believe) that Jesus has healed me completely of brain cancer, I started to feel some fear creep in regarding my immune system's ability to fight off COVID-19 - how careful did I need to be? Was I part of the "vulnerable" population?

As my time of working remotely from home is quickly nearing the end, I'm realizing I've experienced many milestones during this time. After four years of being on staff here at All Nations Kansas City, I finally signed up for our three-week intensive church planting training (CPx) that our hub is holding June 7-June 27. I had never signed up before because I was afraid that the time commitment would be too much for me, as I have struggled with stamina and energy levels since radiation and chemotherapy at the end of 2017. Please pray for all the students and me during this training!

This past week I went in for my periodic brain MRI (which I had postponed by over a month due to my concerns about being at a health clinic at the height of COVID-19). My oncologist was pleased with the results, that there had been no changes on my scans for over two years (which was when I finished my chemotherapy treatment). This means that the plan is for me to continue getting MRIs every six months for the next few years, at which point I'll be able to elect to get them just once a year. These two milestones involved me doing something new, even though I was scared and, in some cases, terrified. Scared of failure, rejection, bad news. I think that this is a bit what courage looks like - acknowledging fears and stepping out in faith anyway.

40 day wilderness fast

This is a busy time for most of my office as we prepare for our gathering in South Africa as well as for the training we'll be holding almost immediately upon our return in October. It has been especially exciting for me to watch how God has provided the finances for me to be able to go to South Africa, often from the most surprising sources! During this time of preparation, I've found it easy to get lost in the busyness, but I've chosen to join my church as they go through a 40-day "wilderness fast," to surrender distractions, comforts, and conveniences in order to experience a greater hunger and thirst for God's presence.

I've chosen to fast from social media (Instagram & Facebook), games on my smartphone, all streaming shows, and purchasing anything that I don't need. I didn't realize how distracted I'd allowed myself to become until I removed these distractions. The timing of this fast seems to be providential, as I can imagine that I'd be relying on distractions instead of prayer to help me get through the stress of preparing for this trip, which will be my first significant international trip in over 10 years! Without these distractions and conveniences, I have enjoyed being mindful and intentional in how I spend my time: reading books, journaling, and pausing before purchasing something. I've found peace in having more time to mentally and spiritually prepare for each day, and I've even been sleeping better (most nights). I'm so grateful that I've had the opportunity to do another season similar to Lent earlier this year. I'm realizing that I would like to incorporate fasting on a more regular basis in order to realign my actions with my desired priorities.

I hope that your habits are aligned with your priorities and if not, that you have a chance to make the needed changes.

progress

Many of you have asked for updates on my health. My most recent MRI in June was "stable" again, not showing any areas for concern. This means that I will continue to have my MRI appointments every four months for now. I have also recently tapered off a medication that I had taken for two years, so that's progress!

I am in a good place in life right now, full of hope and joy. This past month I had a chance to go to Half Moon Bay, California for several days to meet up with seven of my college girlfriends (and some of their spouses and children!). The eight of us hadn't all been together in ten years! It was a healing experience for me because I had felt like I was missing out on so many opportunities over the past several years due to health limitations (not being able to travel, limited income, other uncertainties). I'm even looking forward to gathering with some of my organization's worldwide friends later this year in South Africa! I couldn't have even considered this two years ago when I was doing monthly chemotherapy treatments. I'm so grateful for the progress and the Lord's goodness every step of the way!

Thanks for following along on my journey. I hope that you've also taken the time to witness the Lord's care and goodness in your own story.

preparing to return to work [six months ago]

journal entry from six months ago

Sunday, October 12th, 2014
8:19pm
home in KCK

"Lord, thank You for bringing me to this point. I spent so much time worrying about health insurance, having a job, going crazy without working, etc. Now it's been 8 weeks since my surgery, and I'm going back to work tomorrow. Those first moments after surgery at my parents' house felt like they would never end --I do not have the strength to make it through, but You were my strength. Even on those incredibly difficult mornings when I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm nervous about tomorrow (how people will look at me, what questions they will ask me, etc.). Thankfully, I am no longer scared about over-working. I am still Kathleen, but I am the new, improved Kathleen. Jesus, You are (still) my first priority. My health is my second priority, including healthy boundaries. My relationships (family, friends, community) come next. My worth is not based on my accomplishments, or how I perform at work. My worth is in the price that You paid on the cross. My victory is in You.

Please give me discernment tomorrow and in the coming days -- how to answer people's questions, how to keep some details to myself, how to integrate my role into a part-time schedule.

As I look ahead, I feel fear. Fear of failure, exhaustion, depression...But Your perfect love casts out all fear. The future is not guaranteed, so I will just do my best to draw near to You each day and to bring You glory, one day at a time."

Today was hard. Working on a Sunday is not something that I would like to continue doing on a regular basis. The office was quiet and lonely and I felt the weight of my families’ burdens. So many people who are hurting!

I do not pray for them nearly enough. It seems so overwhelming to mention each one by name and too impersonal to pray for them as a group. So pray with me for a few of them?

Lord, please be with L as she and her daughter seek refuge from the violence in their own home. I also lift up L2 who seems beyond saving, but nothing is beyond Your reach, O Lord. Please lift up V’s head while she’s going through the most difficult month in her life.