tutte le possibilità

Life is full of possibilities. I'm at a point where I feel like the choices that I make today could determine the outcome of my life. But then I remember: "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." (Proverbs 16:9; NLT)

This life is but a breath. It seems like yesterday that I was a high school student hiding in my walk-in closet to finish my homework after my bedtime. (My parents insisted that I go to bed at 9pm, but I was in all honors classes and did sports after school...not leaving enough time for me to complete by homework by 9pm.) But I graduated from high school over 11 years ago. People keep telling me that I am young and that I have so much life ahead of me. But that is not a guarantee, nor is it an excuse to be frivolous with time. These first 29 years have gone by very quickly, and I don't want to waste a single moment of the rest of my life.

I have so many ideas of what my life could look like: to get married and have a family (including adopting/fostering children); to become an artist; to start a ministry and/or a non-profit organization; to go to graduate school (for what? I still don't know); to teach; to live in Buenos Aires; to write books; etc...I guess that these are not all mutually exclusive, but I probably can't become a doctor and lawyer and teacher all in one lifetime. 

I once came across a quote that really resonated with me from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath:

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

I don't know what my future might hold, but I am determined to live every moment with purpose and conviction. As I continue to trust God with each moment and each decision, He will direct the course of my life.

May my life bring glory to God. Soli Deo gloria. 

five years [following Christ is not safe]

Five years ago, I was really challenged. I believed that God was calling me to move to KCK, but I was scared. I went to high school in Johnson County, and I had heard terrible things about the "Dotte." I didn't think that I'd be safe there.

So I prayed. I begged Jesus to give me courage. I didn't want to be afraid of anything. I wanted to be able to be willing to die for Jesus. But I was scared of death, even though I knew my eternity was secure.

I started listening to old Urbana messages, and I listened to one that talked about how following Jesus wasn't safe and didn't necessarily make sense to others. Then it clicked. I wanted to follow Jesus with all my heart. And following Jesus wasn't safe. So it was okay for me to put myself in "unsafe" situations, if it was what Christ was calling me to do.

So I made arrangements to move to KCK. The day I went to sign my lease, I had a huge scare. But even that couldn't deter me. So five years ago, I moved to this wonderful community.

This is home. I'm so grateful to live in a neighborhood that is rich with culture. I don't feel scared anymore. Just yesterday you may have seen me walking along Minnesota Ave to Wyandotte High School's graduation.

Disclaimer: So many of my fears were based out of ignorance. Once I got to know my neighborhood, I was no longer afraid. I'd invite anyone to come meet my neighbors before making a negative comment about this community, my community.

Special thanks to Heartland, Westside, The Gathering, and Mission Adelante for all playing a key role in getting me here. And an additional thank you to BBBSKC, Donnelly College, and all the families and students that have made KCK home for me.

I'm so grateful.

six months ago - hope and trust

Excerpt from my journal from six months ago:

[Monday, September 15th, 11:11am; four weeks from surgery! Olathe, KS]:

"'But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."'

-Lamentations 3:21-24

Lord, it doesn't take much these days for me to get lost in thought. I wonder if I'll be able to focus again any time soon? (I know that I can focus, but I'm still struggling with letting myself zone out or get distracted.) This is why wrote a list on a post-it note of the things I wanted to journal about today.

Well, let me start by praising You: Thank You for Your faithfulness, Your unending love, and Your mercies, which are new every morning. Thank You for never leaving my side, even when I was full of doubts and questions. [...] Thank You for a quiet, empty house. Thank You for this time of rest and recovery -- I have a feeling that work will be a shock to the system (whether part-time or full-time). As restless as I am now, I'm guessing that I'll be longing for a break.

I read a little of Mark Batterson's new book, The Grave Robber, this morning. I'm reminded that we often miss miracles because we're so focused on something else, or 'inattentional blindness.' Lord, thank You for a new day of life and for allowing me to live four weeks after brain surgery. I don't know what is to come in the future with work, MRIs, treatment, etc., but today, I again choose to trust in You. Please continue to be my strength when I no longer have any.

[...]

[My nurse practitioner] has told me multiple times: You are not your tumor. She says to try and move forward from this and to live a 'normal' life. I guess I'm still in the initial stages of recovery, so it's hard for me to imagine. And I'm still tempted to imagine 'normal' as work or the unhealthy work-centered lifestyle that I had prior to this summer. Lord, please help me to make positive changes in my life (and please help me have grace and patience for myself in the process)."

*********

Today marks seven months from my surgery. I have a new healthy "normal." I work hard. I am able to focus. And I'm enjoying life outside of work. I'm making a lot of new friends and doing the things that I never made time to do before. And I'm sharing my story with anyone who will listen. Thank you for listening. 

six months ago - fear and peace

Excerpt from my journal, six months ago (Tuesday, September 9th, 2014; 8:29am; Olathe, KS):

"Lord, I'm afraid. I am meeting with the neuro-oncologist this morning to discuss the type of tumor that I had removed and possibly further treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, MRIs, etc.)

I actually felt better overall yesterday for the first time that I've noticed since the surgery. I guess it helps that I had a few decent nights of sleep in a row. Maybe it's because I actually spent some time in Your Word yesterday or because I had something to look forward to (going to pick up stuff from my home in KCK). Whatever the reason, thank You! I had been feeling bitter and resentful of all the cards that said 'I hope you're feeling better and better each day.' I know that everyone says that I've made incredible progress, but I don't necessarily see it.

Lord, please give me Your peace today. Please give me Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Please give me ears to hear and understand all the information that will be given to me this morning. Please give my parents and me discernment as we hear about treatment options - help us ask good questions.

Lord, You have promised to give me perfect peace when I keep my mind stayed on You. Well, I am choosing to focus on You, and I accept the gift of peace. I refuse to partner with fear, anxiety, and worry."

[This appointment went well. It was still too early to tell how successful the surgery was. We scheduled my next MRI for three months later to check for tumor re-growth. 

I'm so grateful for recovery and progress. I can sleep well after six months of not being able to. I wake up each morning excited for a new day.]

journal from six months ago - back home from the hospital

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Saturday, August 23rd, 2014 @ 2:15pm - back @ parents' home in Olathe, KS - NOT KUMed!):

"Wow, well that was a crazy blur. Never in a million years could I have imagined that this would happen to me. But I did just survive brain surgery. And I'm on the road to recovery...I'm not sure what this will look like (I'm still not even sure if the tumor was malignant / benign...)

So, as the sign for my 'after pic' said: Thank You, Jesus! I survived the surgery, can walk, have 95% less tumor in my head, and still have a life full of possibilities before me. And I know that You've already used this situation to glorify Your name - [friend] already said that she has been able to experience You in ways that she hadn't before - my trials/suffering this week/summer would be worth it just for her! I can't even begin to fathom what type of ripple effect this could have upon others...

Lord, I did also want to specifically thank You for showing me how much You care about me by the little details - the fact that my good friend's mother could pull the strings to have the Chief of Neurosurgery lead the operation; the fact that before the surgery Dr. Camarata asked me about Bishop Ward High School (and I got so excited!) - only You, God, could have known how to get me excited in such a way before brain surgery.

Lord, I know that I've been angry and irritable since the surgery - please help me. Please help me to be kind and gracious and thankful - I don't want to permanently damage any relationships during this time. I don't know how I'm going to handle [family] getting here today, but as I professed before the surgery, I believe You will continue to give me the grace that I need in each moment.

Lord, thank You. I'm sorry for the fears/lies that I've held on to - here is a definite opportunity for breakthrough - please don't let me miss it. I'm sorry for the doubts/uncertainty that came out after the surgery. I guess these didn't come as a surprise to You, but please increase my faith (I guess I need to be more careful about praying that prayer, haha)."

[Today: Thank You, Jesus, for not letting me miss that opportunity for breakthrough!]

journal entry from day before neurosurgery

excerpt from journal, six months ago (Aug. 17th, 2014, day before neurosurgery):

"A brain tumor.The diagnosis still doesn't even feel real, even after looking at the gigantic mass on the MRI scan (it took up more than 25% of the shot from above - maybe the size of a large baseball). Even after seeing the diagnosis written on my hospital discharge paperwork...it still doesn't seem real. But thank You. There is a strange relief in knowing the cause of so many of my ailments, especially over the last three months.

But this is no surprise to You. You know every detail about my life. You, who created the heavens and the earth, also created every little intricate part of my body. You are my savior and friend. There is no better place for me to turn.

The peace that I am feeling since the diagnosis can only be from You (probably the answer to MANY prayers). I've truly realized that I have nothing to be afraid of. If I die, it is Your will and I get to go home to be with You. If there is more suffering involved in my recovery, may it bring You more glory. Even in the best case scenario, recovery is probably not going to be easy.

For now, I am just focusing on Your goodness and faithfulness. I am in Your hands, both now and forevermore. I won't question why this is happening or what the future holds (although I am wondering and a little nervous), but I will praise You for Your steadfast love endures forever."

[Recovery has been much more difficult than I could have ever imagined. But I have chosen to praise Jesus in every moment, and that has made all the difference.]