intentionality

This past weekend I had the privilege of going on my annual personal prayer and planning retreat. I try to do this near the beginning of each year in order to prayerfully reflect upon the past year and to ask the Lord what He may have for me in the coming year. He will often give me a word/focus/theme for the year. Here are some words or phrases He’s given me in recent years: surrender; follow through/obedience; and saying “no” to fear. This past weekend I felt He was revealing to me that I needed to once again focus on intentionality. Every relationship requires intentionality to grow. My best friendships are the ones in which we’ve set up regular times to check in with each other, no matter how busy and chaotic our lives are at the moment. So why have I sometimes neglected to do this with the Lord, the most important relationship that I have? This was a humbling realization, but I look forward to seeing how I will grow with Him this year.

new year

At the beginning of each year I try to set some time aside to reflect on the prior year and to ask our Father if there's a word or intention that He'll give me as a focus for the upcoming year. I haven't had the chance to do that yet for this year, but I look forward to going on a personal prayer retreat in a couple weeks. Last year He told me to say no to fear -- I experienced some amazing breakthroughs, growth, and surprises. I'm excited to go away on a retreat to thank Him and to dedicate this new year to Him.

ending the year with gratitude

As this year is drawing to a close, I am once again reminded about the importance of practicing gratitude. Thankfulness/gratitude is a recurrent theme in the Word, mentioned 106 times in the Old Testament and 72 times in the New Testament. In fact, it’s one of the few specific things that we’re told is His will for us (1 Thess. 5:16-18). I’ve found that it’s easier for me to be grateful when I write down my prayers in a journal – otherwise, I forget what I’ve asked for and don’t notice His answers!

So, let’s take a moment to reflect upon this year and thank Him for His goodness. 

music and wonder

 As we rapidly approach the holiday season, I'm reminded (once again) of how grateful I am. Yes, the majority of my reflections are on gratitude, but I do believe that my renewed focus on gratitude/worship has radically improved all aspects of my life. 

I had the privilege of attending a classical music performance this past Sunday evening. A dear friend of mine, who is in my house church community, composed the music and wrote the lyrics that were performed by a local four-piece string quartet and a mezzo-soprano singer. I was moved to tears by the beauty of the music as well as by experiencing the fruition of my friend's long-time dream and answer to prayer.  

Isn't our God amazing? Music is one of my favorite ways to hear His voice and to experience the wonder of His creation. May we all experience a renewed sense of awe as we enter this holiday season.

Abiding with Jesus through Practicing Gratitude

Yesterday I facilitated an “abiding” time with Jesus, which is a daily part of my work's annual church planting training. I chose to focus on the significance and power of gratitude in my walk with Jesus. If you’ve known me a little while, you know that I keep returning to this theme. When I was struggling with an undiagnosed illness and suffering with interminable pain, the Lord gave me the gift of being able to choose to worship and to thank Him for His goodness in my life, even when I wasn’t feeling it. It was the only way that I knew how to wage battle in a war with discontent and frustration. This became an even more important strategy and spiritual “weapon” when my situation became progressively harder with the eventual brain cancer diagnosis and the treatments that would follow.

After sharing my story with the students, I asked them to take around 45 minutes in that same spirit of gratitude to thank Him. It was so encouraging to hear how one student started in a place of thankfulness and then the Lord brought her heart to a place of conviction and repentance. One man shared how that worship helped him let go of his worries. Another student mentioned how the time that they were allotted was not enough for her to write down all the reasons for gratitude that she had. 

May you remember that gratitude is the antidote to anxiety and that worship is a powerful spiritual weapon, no matter the situation you find yourself in.

for nothing is impossible with God

I was recently challenged to step out in faith in the midst of fear. I’d been accepted into a 2-week, 80-hour intensive course (how to coach language learners) that would be taking place away from home. The Lord had prompted me to apply and then He quickly provided the funds. I knew I was supposed to attend the course, but I became terrified when I saw the actual schedule. I didn’t believe that there was any way I’d be able physically survive the two weeks of 12+ hour days! However, someone from my house church encouraged me with something the Lord had told him when he was anxious, “You’re afraid because you’re imagining your future with Me.” This strengthened my resolve and confidence! I didn’t have to be able to do this on my own – if the Lord had called me to it, He would equip me with the energy I needed.

There were some hard moments and I definitely felt pretty tired at times, but the Lord gave me the grace, energy, and sleep that I needed to successfully complete the two weeks! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have yet another example of His faithfulness in my life. “For nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)”

looking back - one huge blessing in 2021

One of the main themes I see as I look back on 2021 is how the Lord provided for me in unexpected ways. The example I’m sharing requires a bit of backstory so that you can appreciate how unexpected this was for me. Back in summer 2019 I was nominated to join a cohort of faith and community leaders that care about public school education and would meet monthly. I was excited to join the cohort, primarily to learn from other great community leaders in the KC area. When we were given the option to add a second year to the fellowship, I jumped at the chance to continue learning. In February, I was paired in a Zoom breakout room with S (a woman I’d never met before who worked with college scholarship recipients), and I instantly felt a connection with her – we seemed to have similar passions for working with Latino youth and families. S hadn’t been in the first year of my cohort, and I asked her if we could exchange contact information with the hopes of following up to get to know each other more at a later time.

S and I eventually had a coffee date over Zoom and then another in person. I soon found out that she was also a passionate Jesus follower, which is probably why I felt such a close connection with her the first time we met (even though it was online!). She and I both had desires to work on personal “passion” projects - I suggested that we set up a weekly time to meet at the library to work on our respective projects and to hold each other accountable. We put a weekly standing date on our calendars. This time we carved out quickly evolved into a time to share life and to pray over each other. Near the end of last year, I told S that I couldn’t believe we had only met 10 months prior because we had grown so close! S told me that she had been praying for and desiring a close friend for a long time, and I realized I had been as well. We were the answers to each other’s prayers. I never would’ve guessed that an education fellowship could’ve led to me forming such a dear friendship that I didn’t even recognize that I’d wanted and needed for a long time.

I have so many other examples of how the Lord has provided for me in unexpected ways in 2021, and I’m sure you have some as well. May this encourage you to reflect upon last year and to take time to thank Him for the ways He’s provided for you.

Surrendering my Preferences

As I’ve mentioned before, I often hear God speaking to me through music. The lyrics to "Preference" by Rachel Morley seem to nicely summarize the posture of my heart through this year of attempting to surrender every part of my life:

“What if it doesn’t look like I thought it would?
What if You come in ways I didn’t know You could?
Offend my mind; reveal my heart.
I won’t worship my preference anymore.”

I realize that I may have been missing the way that He’s working in my life because I’m expecting it to look different. The desire of my heart is to have His will for my life in the ways He wants, not the ways I want. Surrender also means laying down my expectations and desires of what the answers to my prayers “should” look like. I must daily remind myself: Your will. Your way. Your timing.

May you end this year with grace. I bless you with open ears and eyes so that you will see how He’s moving in your life, even in the unexpected and unimaginable ways.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

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Official Lyric Video: Preference - Rachel Morley

more thoughts on Surrender

When I went on a personal prayer and planning retreat at the beginning of this year, I felt like the Lord had given me the word “Surrender” for 2021 as a focus. As I’d been reflecting upon John Mark Comer’s The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, I realized that a huge part of my surrender needed to be finally becoming intentional in observing a weekly Sabbath. This has been a huge learning process for me as I’ve continued fine-tuning what I want that to look like in my life. It’s been hard for me to find the delicate balance of rest, devotion, and delight (three essential elements in my Sabbath practice). I’ve learned to sometimes say no to good things and to also make exceptions to my own Sabbath guidelines.

Recently I realized that I had reached a point of physical and spiritual exhaustion and possibly even burnt out. I’m grateful that the Lord provided an opportunity for me to leave my daily routine here by going to Orange County, California for almost a week. This break was a breath of fresh air for my spirit and helped me discern some of what the Lord has been calling me to in this season – surrendering by saying no to good things in a couple more areas of my life. I reluctantly stepped down from being one of my church’s volunteer youth group leaders – I no longer had the capacity to do this well even though it’s still a huge desire of mine to be involved with the next generation of Jesus followers. I’ve also “pressed pause” in another important area of my life, trusting that He is in control even without my constant striving. Although I’ve always believed that He is sovereign and good, my human nature often desires to take control and to “make things happen.”  

As this year quickly approaches its end, may you create the space needed to reflect upon what He has been teaching you and begin asking what He has for you in the coming year. 

pressing on and asking for help

Things have been hard for me recently. I constantly feel exhausted no matter how many hours I sleep. I’ve been hard on myself, frustrated by the lack of visible improvement in my stamina and productivity. I reached a breaking point when others started pointing this out to me as well. Trying as hard as I could was no longer enough. I realized that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore, so I decided to ask for help.

I started by asking my parents to hold me accountable with how I spend my time. I met with my counselor, who assisted me in coming up with next steps in different areas of my life (work, spiritual, social, health, etc.). I told close friends and mentors that I needed their prayers. The Lord immediately responded by enveloping me with peace and the assurance that I wouldn’t always feel this way; this was just another step in our journey together.

I hope that this encourages you to ask for help and prayers when life gets challenging. This life isn’t easy, but His “yoke is easy and [His] burden is light” (Mt. 11:30). We aren’t created to walk on this journey alone.

another Ebenezer

I’ve been excited to share with you that this past August 18th marked seven years since my first brain surgery! I call this date my “surgiversary” (the anniversary of my surgery). My most recent brain MRI was in June and my health care team was pleased with the results, stating that there had been no changes on my scans over the past three years (which is when I had finished my chemotherapy treatment). This means that the plan is for me to continue getting MRIs every six months for the next couple of years, at which point I'll have the choice to get these scans just once a year if I'm comfortable with that.

I’ve long believed that one of my callings in life is to encourage others through sharing my story. This conviction has taken on even more significance as I’ve navigated through these health challenges. On this past surgiversary I posted online the “after” photo of when I was released from the hospital following my first surgery. Then a classmate I went to Georgetown with reached out to me and shared that she’d unexpectedly had a brain tumor removed earlier this year. She was hoping that I’d be able to share resources for healing and rebuilding after brain tumor removal. Although our experiences have not been the same, I’ve been able to share what I’ve found helpful and what I wish I would’ve found out earlier in my recovery journey. The overarching message of what I’ve shared with her and others is that although my recovery journey hasn’t been as smooth or quick as I would’ve hoped, I’m still overwhelmed with gratitude of how far the Lord has carried me and His faithfulness along the way.

I’ll leave you with some lyrics from my *current* favorite worship song, “Just As Good” by Chris Renzema (feat. Ellie Holcomb):

“And I will build an altar
and stack it stone by stone
'cause every Ebeneezer says I've never been alone.
My faith will surely falter
but that [doesn't] change what You've done
'cause every Ebeneezer points to where my help comes from.”

a blessing prayer for all missionaries

Lord, I ask You would bless their plans to reach their people or city for Your glory. I ask that You would take the seeds they are planting and bring them to the fruition You desire. Please open the hearts of the people in their area to Your truth. Go before them and prepare the hearts of the people that will be Yours.

mid-year reflection 2021

Every July I remind myself that though the year is half over, there are still six months left that have not yet been lived. After my personal prayer and planning retreat in January, I felt the Lord leading me to focus on “surrender” this year. Probably the biggest way I hoped to surrender was through beginning to intentionally observe a weekly 24-hour Sabbath. I decided to do so Friday evening through Saturday evening and told my parents in order to be held accountable. I realized that I would need to have a lot of grace for myself in this process – it would be a radical change to my lifestyle of overworking and packing my schedule with commitments. This is why I made it clear that I was just TRYING to incorporate Sabbath into my life. I knew there would be some failed attempts and some exceptions made.

As a “recovering perfectionist,” I must remember to aim for progress, not perfection. I’ve definitely made a lot of progress in trusting Him that six days is enough for work, but I admit that some weeks I mostly zone out on my Sabbath. Rest is only part of my intent with the Sabbath; I also desire to delight in Him and spend intentional time in prayer. 

I’m glad that I take this time to evaluate and reflect upon the first six months of the year – it helps me refocus and to determine the adjustments that I’d like to make in order to finish the year well.

I hope that this encourages you to reflect upon your own year and ask Him to help you finish the year well. Please remember to accept the grace that He has for you in the process.

Million Little Miracles

One of my favorite ways that I hear the Lord speak to me is through music, especially worship music. I was recently listening to Old Church Basement, a new album by Maverick City Music & Elevation Worship. I’ve been deeply moved and have cried every time I’ve listened to the song Million Little Miracles – it’s a beautiful, anointed declaration of how much He has done for me (and for each of us). 

Listening to that song reminds me of the choice that we have about how we view and respond to the circumstances in our lives. “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” This quote has been attributed to Albert Einstein, and I am taking it out of context for the purpose of this reflection. 

I’ve written quite a bit about my journey of recovery and healing from brain cancer and all the related treatments. I still struggle with fatigue and the ability to sleep well – it would be quite easy for me to focus on those things. But instead I’m choosing to be grateful and to recognize the miracles in my life: the way He gave me the strength to make it through the chemotherapy and radiation treatments without the most common side effect of vomiting; the fact that God made the brain to be neuroplastic (having the ability to adapt to experiences); the way He’s provided more than enough financially for the medical care I need(ed); healing my brother and mother from cancer years earlier as testimonies upon which I could build my faith; I could go on…

I hope that you can also take a moment to reflect upon the Lord’s faithfulness in your life. As the lyrics to Million Little Miracles say, “I hope [we] never get over what [He’s] done.”

Spring has sprung

Spring has certainly sprung in Kansas City. In addition to the temperatures finally warming up, spring reminds me of renewal, rebirth, healing, and hope. I often talk about seasons in life. My mom loves gardening and has been excitedly planting bulbs and seeds these past couple of weeks. She understands that these plants start out as small seeds or bulbs and need water, sunshine, and care in order to develop and grow.

I remember that the dormant, empty moments of winter are only a prelude to the spring, making me value and appreciate the spring that much more. And my Papa promises that His purposes will be accomplished – we may not see it now, but we are growing, and He is tending to us. His purposes and promises will be fulfilled. And that gives me hope right now, in whichever circumstances I find myself.

“As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

[Isa. 55:10,11]

May you be encouraged with the hope that He is still working in you and through you in this season. You will soon see the new life that has been germinating under the surface.